Pop stars were queuing up to help record a new charity song in aid of Simon Cowell, who has been forced to pull out of auditions for Britain’s Got Talent as a results of having the sniffles.

Louis Walsh, who has bravely stepped in to fill the vacant spot left by Cowell, has questioned God’s existence. “First Gately, then the Henry handball, then Haiti, now this!” He said tearfully. “If there’s a God, why does he let these things happen?” He continued before being comforted by a waiting Jedward.

Cowell who complained to friends that he had a bit of a sore throat earlier this week, is reported to be in the advanced stages of the illness and his personal doctor has revealed that he is currently lying on the sofa watching Cash in The Attic.

Pop stars who have been quick to sign up to the charity record include Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, Joe McElderry, Susan Boyle and Kraftwerk.

The song is believed to be a cover of Kermit the Frog’s It’s Not Easy Being Green, and all money raised will go to a charity set up to help people who have been directly affected by the debilitating condition.

It is not known if or when Cowell will return to the judging panel. “It all depends on whether Simon pulls through. Everyone has got their fingers crossed and is praying that he recovers.” Said The Pope.

Simon Cowell has come under fire for the song choice of a charity single to aid victims of the Haiti earthquake.

The song, a cover version of The Four Tops single Loco in Acapulco, has been decribed by one critic as “Extraordinarily inappropriate.”

Cowell defended the song choice by saying “Things are pretty mad in Haiti at the moment, but we couldn’t find a song that really summed that up. I know Acapulco is about 1800 miles away, but it’s a good upbeat sort of number that will hopefully lift the spirits of those affected by this terrible tragedy.”

The song features stars such as Leona Lewis, JLS, Michael Buble, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams, Coldplay, Take That and Sir Paul McCartney.

A video featuring the stars joking around on a beach playing volleyball and splashing each other, will be interspersed with footage of Haitians pleading for help amongst the carnage.

It is reported that the combined wealth of the artists involved in making the record would mean that they could all comfortably contribute donations without the need to make yet another tedious record. Once again though the public are expected to dig deep to contribute money that they can’t really afford to buy a record that they don’t really want, while a bunch of celebrities wander around patting themselves on the back and congratulating each other on how compassionate they are.

“Yeah, Hi, is that Simon? The plans working great. The more that X Factor fans hear about people buying our record, the more copies of Joe’s they buy. We’re both cleaning up.”

One is a song about white supremacists in positions of authority, the other is about mountaineering, but which one will be holding the coveted Christmas number one spot.

In recent years it has been a forgone conclusion that the winner of televised singing competition, X Factor, would hold the number one position. Simon Cowell’s vice-like grip around the throat of popular music showed little sign of loosening, until a Facebook group’s campaign to derail his control was unleashed.

“We felt that it was unfair that Cowell was able to manipulate the charts in such a way. Before the X Factor, the general public weren’t brainwashed into buying dross, they bought it by choice. Mr Blobby, Bob the Builder, Robbie Williams have all previously held the number one spot at Christmas. The public would quite happily buy up any old shit, but at least they did it out of choice rather than as a result of the mind rays that Cowell emits from his undersea bunker.” Said Neville Erd.

Mr Erd was quick to deny that the campaign was a completely pointless waste of time by saying, “The message of the Rage Against the Machine song is to say ‘STOP! I’m not going to do what you tell me. We’re free thinking individuals capable of making our own decisions.’ By buying the Rage single as we’ve told them to do, they can relax in the knowledge they’re not doing what they’re told.” He spasticated.

Tories spell out benefit cut plan

The Conservatives say they would pay for their £600m plan to “get Britain working” by pretending that the unemployed don’t exist.

David Cameron has come under criticism for the plans with some MPs labelling him “A callous cunt.” Cameron, however responded to the allegations by stating “La la la la, I can’t hear you. We do not acknowledge the unemployed in any shape, way or form. You can’t pay benefits to people that don’t exist.

Plans are already underway for a giant carpet to be constructed with which the Tories plan to sweep the 2.5 million unemployed underneath.

England match to be internet only

England’s World Cup qualifier in Ukraine on Saturday will be shown exclusively live to subscribers on the internet who sign their soul over to satan.

Kentaro – an international agency appointed by the Ukrainian Football Federation – originally sold the UK rights for the game to Setanta.

Brian Eelzebub, managing director of Kentaro, told DOTJ Sport: “Tough shit, fuck you, cunt!”

Unpopular twins get Louis’ vote

Irish twins John and Edward (pictured) have been put through to the final 12 of X factor by Louis Walsh, but have been named rank outsiders by bookmakers William Hill.

Walsh put through Irish brothers John and Edward, saying he “saw something in you that none of the other judges saw”. The pair had stones thrown at them at auditions, while Cowell called them “obnoxious little fuckspaks”.

Some critics have stated that Walsh’s decision is based purely on the off chance that he’d get to play middle man in a 3-way bum chain.

Banks ’show first recovery signs’

The country was rejoicing yesterday after it was revealed that banks have started to show signs of recovery.

Early signs include one bank boss feasting on Fois gras and truffles while guzzling champagne.

Other sightings include a high flying banker wearing Gucci loafers with no socks taunting a big issue seller with a £5 note on a bit of string and another smearing himself with the blood of the workers.

A document leaked to the press caused embarrassment for the World Snooker Association today. It reveals several possible changes that could be brought in to effect as early as next season if agreed by all members. The suggestions seem to respond dramatically to Ronnie O’Sullivans call earlier this year for a figure such as Simon Cowell to revamp what he believes to be a ‘dying’ game. The ideas include:

- Costumes for players and creating a mythic backdrop for each character in a similar style to ITV’s Gladiators.

- Music played every time a player misses a pot or scores a sizeable break (borrowing heavily from 20-20 cricket).

- A more upbeat style of commentary (suggested figures include Sid Waddel, Murray Walker, and Craig Charles).

- Players competing to win David Vine’s ashes instead of a trophy.

- A ‘Trick Shot Time Out’ whereby a random siren during a game signifies that a player must temporarily abandon the game and amuse the crowd. Depending on the crowds reaction points will be deducted or added to the player’s score.

- A ‘comedy ferret’ released onto the table to lighten the tension and test players concentration at key moments in the game.

Whilst the Snooker Association was unavailable for comment, several of the games personalities have been quick to make their feelings known. Stephen Hendry, furious at his proposed Conan The Barbarian persona, said that the ideas ‘make a mockery not just of the sport but of great cinema’.

Steve Davis also has his doubts claiming that ‘Whilst I could probably come to terms with playing naked coated entirely in gold body paint, the music idea would be unbearable for somebody with my miss rate’.

O’Sullivan is predictably in favour of many of the changes although concedes that some of the ideas needed minor adjustments – ‘Me being fired into the arena at the start of every game may have health and safety implications’.