Cliff Richard has spent 50 years at the top of his game. He holds the record (with Elvis Presley) as the only act to make the UK singles charts in all of its decades (1950s–2000s). He is the only singer to have had a number one single in the UK in five consecutive decades, doing so from the 1950s through to the 1990s. On the British charts, Richard has had more than 130 [single], albums and EPs make the top 20, more than any other artist. He has sold more than 250 million records.

During Cliff’s time at the top there has been no sex scandals, no drug scandals, infact no scandals at all. Is Cliff hiding darker secrets than we could ever imagine?

In this investigation we ask..

1. Where was Cliff when Princess Di was killed in 1997?

2. Where was Cliff when Jill Dando was gunned down on her own doorstep?

3. Who, if anyone, is being held hostage in Cliff’s cellar?

4. Was Michael Jackson executed in a ‘Peter Pan of Pop’ face off?

Cliff was a friend of both Princess Diana and Jill Dando. One died in suspicious circumstances and the other was gunned down by an unknown assassin.

Where was Cliff when these deaths occured?

Princess Di was killed in a car crash in 1997. The crash has been surrounded by conspiracy theories ever since. One question that remains unanswered is who was driving the Fiat Uno that some say forced the car that Diana was in off the road?

Is it a coincidence that if you rearrange the letters in the statement ‘Cliff Richard likes Diana!’ you get ‘Crash! I killed Diana.’? Admittedly you have I, R and C left over, but IRC stands for International Red Cross, an organisation that Diana worked as a VIP volunteer.

Cliff was Jill Dando’s childhood heart-throb and Cliff sang at a service to pay tribute to the life and work of the murdered star. But where was Cliff on the day that she was mercilessly gunned down on the doorstep of her house?

Was Cliff jealous of their popularity? If Cliff was capable of killing Diana, then where would his blood lust end? After all Jill Dando was often compared to Diana. Exterminating both of them would leave Cliff in the clear when it comes to being ‘England’s rose’.

Life-long bachelor Cliff’s sexuality has often been questioned with some people even claiming that he’s never sexed up a lady. With this in mind his nuts must resemble two tins of condensed milk…..unless!

Does Cliff have secret sex slaves hidden in his cellar? Forced to take part in his sordid sexual desires when ever his uncontollable urges come to the fore. Will we ever know? Has Cliff ever opened up his cellar to the outside world! Something to hide?

Michael Jackson died in suspicious circumstances earlier this year. Jackson who was often compared to Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. Cliff has also been referred to as ‘The Peter Pan of pop’. Was Cliff the one that administered the lethal doses of propofol, lorazepam and midazolam in an attempt to rid the world of someone he might have viewed as a rival?

Next time: Where were Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch when JFK was assassinated?

In tonight’s The Weakest link, Anne Robinson has the nerve to lambast contestants despite the fact that she has a face so ravaged with surgery that when she talks she resembles a ventriloquist that has lost their dummy. Careful not to turn around too quickly, Anne, your heads coming loose. Hugely popular sitcom, My Family, continues to leave us with a cold, dead feeling inside. At 9.00 it’s time for Casualty, a Quiz show where contestants have to guess who will die and how. Featuring a bonus round in which contestants have to figure out how hospital dramas that continually regurgitate the same tired old storylines get on prime time TV.

Over on BBC2, Don’t miss Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and the other one present a show that you can apparently enjoy even if you’re not that fussed about cars. If your idea of fun is watching a shouty haired buffoon whine on about how it’s unfair that he can’t drive at 150mph through a school playgound, then it’s outstanding. You can also spend time trying to work out why Richard Hammond insists on dressing like 15 year old with a haircut that resembles Princess Diana’s after a car crash. That bit where they sit together pretending to have an improvised chat is possibly the most contrived piece of TV you will ever see.

ITV. Unless they’re showing football, then this Channel is an absolute disgrace.Infact even if they are showing football, then it is produced to such a poor standard that you’d rather imagine what’s going on than watch it. If you’re one of those unemployed types that doesn’t see daylight unless it’s signing on day, then you could always watch the Jeremy Kyle repeat in the early hours of the morning. You can always spot the unemployed on their way to sign on, they’re the ones stumbling around with tears streaming down their faces as they try and adjust to the sunlight. Jeremy Kyle’s show consists mostly of lie detector results with a 96% accuracy. This of course means that he stitches up 1 in 25 of the people that appear on his show.

If you like watching people with bad attitudes looking for a house that they can’t possibly afford while Kirsty Alsopp and Phil Spencer have sex in their heads, then flick over to Channel 4 for Location, Location, Location.

Channel 5 will of course feature a plethora of American television shows followed by a phone in quiz show that is designed to seperate the unemployed from their benefits. On the face of it the quiz will appear simple, but infact will be beyond even the finest minds. It will be a quiz of such difficulty that the programme makers might aswell pop round to the participants house, steal all their possessions, take all the food out of their kitchen, beat them up and leave them for dead.

If you’ve got satellite or cable then you can watch repeats of the above.

With the news that Los Angeles police chief William Bratton has confirmed that investigators had not ruled out homicide(American for murder), we’ve decided to take a closer look at what really killed Michael Jackson.

We spoke with official Dawn of the Jed doctor, Dr David Pixton about possible causes of death for the King of pop.

“Death results from the heart stopping beating and the lungs not breathing. There are a number of things that can cause this to happen. For example if the killer had cut off Michael Jackson’s head with a chainsaw then his ability to breathe would have been hindered, a lack of oxygen would have caused his brain to die and the extreme blood loss would have almost certainly resulted in his death . Also if the killer had ripped out his heart and stuck it on a spike, the heart would have trouble continuing to function efficiently. It is however highly unlikely that either of these occurences would have been missed in the first autopsy.

Some rumours suggest that Jackson was killed by an anaesthetic, Propofol, which is so powerful it should only be used in hospitals under very controlled conditions, with heart monitoring and emergency priests. It is believed that the drug was administered by one of an army of doctors who were quite happy to give Jackson whatever he required whether it was beneficial to his condition or whether it would cause his heart to explode out of his arse.

It is more than likely that the true facts about Jackson’s death will never be known and we will end up watching conspiracy theory programmes for years to come. It will be like Princess Diana all over again. It seems odd to me that people seem fascinated with Diana’s death being a cover up for something more sinister. She had 2 children one who already has receeding hair just like his father and the other who looks fuck all like Prince Charles and has hair like a fucking bog brush. There’s your cover up.”

Dr Pixton’s book ‘Trust me I’m a doctor’ is available on Malpractice books from August 2009