Cliff Richard has spent 50 years at the top of his game. He holds the record (with Elvis Presley) as the only act to make the UK singles charts in all of its decades (1950s–2000s). He is the only singer to have had a number one single in the UK in five consecutive decades, doing so from the 1950s through to the 1990s. On the British charts, Richard has had more than 130 [single], albums and EPs make the top 20, more than any other artist. He has sold more than 250 million records.

During Cliff’s time at the top there has been no sex scandals, no drug scandals, infact no scandals at all. Is Cliff hiding darker secrets than we could ever imagine?

In this investigation we ask..

1. Where was Cliff when Princess Di was killed in 1997?

2. Where was Cliff when Jill Dando was gunned down on her own doorstep?

3. Who, if anyone, is being held hostage in Cliff’s cellar?

4. Was Michael Jackson executed in a ‘Peter Pan of Pop’ face off?

Cliff was a friend of both Princess Diana and Jill Dando. One died in suspicious circumstances and the other was gunned down by an unknown assassin.

Where was Cliff when these deaths occured?

Princess Di was killed in a car crash in 1997. The crash has been surrounded by conspiracy theories ever since. One question that remains unanswered is who was driving the Fiat Uno that some say forced the car that Diana was in off the road?

Is it a coincidence that if you rearrange the letters in the statement ‘Cliff Richard likes Diana!’ you get ‘Crash! I killed Diana.’? Admittedly you have I, R and C left over, but IRC stands for International Red Cross, an organisation that Diana worked as a VIP volunteer.

Cliff was Jill Dando’s childhood heart-throb and Cliff sang at a service to pay tribute to the life and work of the murdered star. But where was Cliff on the day that she was mercilessly gunned down on the doorstep of her house?

Was Cliff jealous of their popularity? If Cliff was capable of killing Diana, then where would his blood lust end? After all Jill Dando was often compared to Diana. Exterminating both of them would leave Cliff in the clear when it comes to being ‘England’s rose’.

Life-long bachelor Cliff’s sexuality has often been questioned with some people even claiming that he’s never sexed up a lady. With this in mind his nuts must resemble two tins of condensed milk…..unless!

Does Cliff have secret sex slaves hidden in his cellar? Forced to take part in his sordid sexual desires when ever his uncontollable urges come to the fore. Will we ever know? Has Cliff ever opened up his cellar to the outside world! Something to hide?

Michael Jackson died in suspicious circumstances earlier this year. Jackson who was often compared to Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. Cliff has also been referred to as ‘The Peter Pan of pop’. Was Cliff the one that administered the lethal doses of propofol, lorazepam and midazolam in an attempt to rid the world of someone he might have viewed as a rival?

Next time: Where were Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch when JFK was assassinated?

News that actor Michael Sheen will play Michael Jackson in a film detailing the troubled life of the deceased superstar has been greeted by fans and critics with disbelief

Sheen who has previously portrayed Tony Blair, David Frost and Brian Clough, described the project as his biggest challenge so far. “It’s a big step from Cloughie to Jacko, but I’ll give it my best shot.” Sheen promised. “Jackson’s fans are fanatical and they will be angry and upset if I can’t pull this off. I don’t know how this story was leaked, but I’ve already received numerous threats telling me to quit the role. I’d ask Michael’s fans to give me a chance and not threaten to kill me until after they’ve seen my performance.” He added

Film critics have been quick to question Sheen’s suitability for the role with one critic blasting “Having Sheen play Jackson is a bit like Derek Jacobi playing Kurt Cobain! Sheen is a fine actor, but it’ll be a miracle if he can make this work.”

Some fans have also been dismissive of Sheen’s involvement. “I’ve never heard of Michael Sheen, nor do I know anything of his acting ability, but I’ll tell you one thing…..If he messes up I’ll be coming for him.” dribbled one fan maniacally.

It is unclear at this point who will be directing the film, but it is believed that Oliver Stone and John Woo are at the top of movie bosses wish list.

With the news that Los Angeles police chief William Bratton has confirmed that investigators had not ruled out homicide(American for murder), we’ve decided to take a closer look at what really killed Michael Jackson.

We spoke with official Dawn of the Jed doctor, Dr David Pixton about possible causes of death for the King of pop.

“Death results from the heart stopping beating and the lungs not breathing. There are a number of things that can cause this to happen. For example if the killer had cut off Michael Jackson’s head with a chainsaw then his ability to breathe would have been hindered, a lack of oxygen would have caused his brain to die and the extreme blood loss would have almost certainly resulted in his death . Also if the killer had ripped out his heart and stuck it on a spike, the heart would have trouble continuing to function efficiently. It is however highly unlikely that either of these occurences would have been missed in the first autopsy.

Some rumours suggest that Jackson was killed by an anaesthetic, Propofol, which is so powerful it should only be used in hospitals under very controlled conditions, with heart monitoring and emergency priests. It is believed that the drug was administered by one of an army of doctors who were quite happy to give Jackson whatever he required whether it was beneficial to his condition or whether it would cause his heart to explode out of his arse.

It is more than likely that the true facts about Jackson’s death will never be known and we will end up watching conspiracy theory programmes for years to come. It will be like Princess Diana all over again. It seems odd to me that people seem fascinated with Diana’s death being a cover up for something more sinister. She had 2 children one who already has receeding hair just like his father and the other who looks fuck all like Prince Charles and has hair like a fucking bog brush. There’s your cover up.”

Dr Pixton’s book ‘Trust me I’m a doctor’ is available on Malpractice books from August 2009

Michael Jackson’s kidneys?

A private autopsy carried out on Michael Jackson has revealed the shock news that his internal organs consisted entirely of children’s shoes.

Coroner, Chad Harmen, said ” It’s incredible! His liver is a Clarks Snap Happy in green for the left foot, His Kidneys are a pair of Lelli Kelly Fiordalisos. Unfortunately his heart was made up of a cheap pair of sandals from Shoe Zone. Not only are the sandals of poor quality, but they had a hole in the sole. This had been patched up with a bit of cardboard, but it wasn’t enough to prevent the heart attack that Jackson suffered.”

Chiropodist, Dr Fergal Sharkey, commented “The importance of good quality footwear cannot be over emphasised. I think this has been proven in the case of Mr Jackson. His liver and kidneys were in excellent condition, but his heart simply could not take the strain.”

Reports that his brain was a Hi-Tec Slamdunk with flourescent green laces have yet to be confirmed.

Conspiracy theorists that are convinced that the King of Pop is still alive dismissed the autopsy results. One such theorist, Graham Lynch claimed “This clearly shows that the autopsy has been carried out on someone else and is being passed off as Jackson. There’s no way Jackson’s heart would have been a cheap sandal from Shoe Zone, with a hole in the sole patched up with cardboard. He’d be more likely to have a Gucci loafer with no sock. When will people open their eyes?”

Michael Jackson shares a joke with a couple of mates

Conspiracy theorists were working overtime today as rumours started to emerge that Michael Jackson is not dead at all.

News that sales of the cash-strapped singer superstar’s back catalogue will generate more cash than they did when he was alive have fueled speculation that he’s alive, well and laughing the best that his surgery ravaged face will allow.

Jackson, who was diagnosed with death last Thursday, has 10 singles currently occupying the UK Top 50 and 5 albums in the Top 20. The singer has seen his popularity soar as people who didn’t previously give a shit have suddenly decided that they think he’s great.

Official Dawn of the Jed doctor, Dr David Pixton, said “Death is a very serious condition that affects the sufferers ability to breath and the hearts ability to continue beating so it’s unlikely that this would have allowed him to fulfil the 50 dates at the O2 Arena that he was scheduled to start later this summer. With this in mind and the singer’s well publicised financial difficulties, it’s entirely plausible that he’s writhing naked on a bed of £50 notes as his record sales go through the roof.”

Recent sightings of Jackson after his alledged death include him being spotted buying some top soil in the Chorley branch of B&Q, browsing the family film section of a Gillingham branch of Blockbusters and waving his cock about at a group of school children on a day trip to the National History Museum.