Pop stars were queuing up to help record a new charity song in aid of Simon Cowell, who has been forced to pull out of auditions for Britain’s Got Talent as a results of having the sniffles.

Louis Walsh, who has bravely stepped in to fill the vacant spot left by Cowell, has questioned God’s existence. “First Gately, then the Henry handball, then Haiti, now this!” He said tearfully. “If there’s a God, why does he let these things happen?” He continued before being comforted by a waiting Jedward.

Cowell who complained to friends that he had a bit of a sore throat earlier this week, is reported to be in the advanced stages of the illness and his personal doctor has revealed that he is currently lying on the sofa watching Cash in The Attic.

Pop stars who have been quick to sign up to the charity record include Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, Joe McElderry, Susan Boyle and Kraftwerk.

The song is believed to be a cover of Kermit the Frog’s It’s Not Easy Being Green, and all money raised will go to a charity set up to help people who have been directly affected by the debilitating condition.

It is not known if or when Cowell will return to the judging panel. “It all depends on whether Simon pulls through. Everyone has got their fingers crossed and is praying that he recovers.” Said The Pope.

Thierry Henry wearing gloves so as not to leave fingerprints.

French footballer Thierry Henry is facing possible imprisonment after stealing a game of football from the Republic of Ireland.

The incident which was caught on camera has divided the football world, with some stating that Henry should be punished for what amounts to blatant cheating, while others claim that it’s fucking hilarious.

Following claims that a reconstruction of the incident should be shown on Crimewatch, a police spokesman said “We are currently investigating a number of complaints and have yet to decide whether we will be taking action. We are appealing for witnesses to come forward.”

The incident which clearly shows Henry carrying the ball to William Gallas, who then puts the ball in the Republic of Ireland’s net, has led to some Irish MP’s calling for the return of the death penalty.

Ireland’s head of government, Brian Cowen, said “It’s a terrible crime so it is. Hopefully Henry will be brought to book and sent to the big house to be sure.”

It has also been announced that X Factor judge Louis Walsh will not be appearing on Saturday’s show as he attempts to come to terms with the tragedy.

Thierry Henry furiously denied that he had deliberately handled the ball in the build up the goal that ended The Republic’s World cup dream. In a statement he said “Meh”.

Tories spell out benefit cut plan

The Conservatives say they would pay for their £600m plan to “get Britain working” by pretending that the unemployed don’t exist.

David Cameron has come under criticism for the plans with some MPs labelling him “A callous cunt.” Cameron, however responded to the allegations by stating “La la la la, I can’t hear you. We do not acknowledge the unemployed in any shape, way or form. You can’t pay benefits to people that don’t exist.

Plans are already underway for a giant carpet to be constructed with which the Tories plan to sweep the 2.5 million unemployed underneath.

England match to be internet only

England’s World Cup qualifier in Ukraine on Saturday will be shown exclusively live to subscribers on the internet who sign their soul over to satan.

Kentaro – an international agency appointed by the Ukrainian Football Federation – originally sold the UK rights for the game to Setanta.

Brian Eelzebub, managing director of Kentaro, told DOTJ Sport: “Tough shit, fuck you, cunt!”

Unpopular twins get Louis’ vote

Irish twins John and Edward (pictured) have been put through to the final 12 of X factor by Louis Walsh, but have been named rank outsiders by bookmakers William Hill.

Walsh put through Irish brothers John and Edward, saying he “saw something in you that none of the other judges saw”. The pair had stones thrown at them at auditions, while Cowell called them “obnoxious little fuckspaks”.

Some critics have stated that Walsh’s decision is based purely on the off chance that he’d get to play middle man in a 3-way bum chain.

Banks ’show first recovery signs’

The country was rejoicing yesterday after it was revealed that banks have started to show signs of recovery.

Early signs include one bank boss feasting on Fois gras and truffles while guzzling champagne.

Other sightings include a high flying banker wearing Gucci loafers with no socks taunting a big issue seller with a £5 note on a bit of string and another smearing himself with the blood of the workers.