The zombie hordes wait patiently as Jamie knocks up a broad bean and crispy pancetta salad with a pea pecorino and mint dressing.

He’s tackled the issue of school dinners being unhealthy, he’s tried to teach the people of Rotherham how to cook, now Jamie Oliver looks set to improve the eating habits of the undead.

The controversial show will try to educate zombies on the importance of a healthy and varied diet.

“Bish bash bosh! These fellas look a mess! If you eat the same thing day in day out then eventually it’s going to take it’s toll.” Said Oliver. “It’s all very well having a craving for human flesh, but all I’m saying is just mix things up a bit. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a case of uncontollably ripping out someone’s internal organs and gorging on them. What’s wrong with pan frying them and serving with cinder-baked artichokes with lemon, bay and prosciutto? Dib dab dob wallop!” He continued.

Oliver decided to make the show after viewing a pilot for a show exclusively revealed by DoTJ at the weekend, featuring recently deceased chef Keith Floyd, called Floyd Feasts on the Living. “Bish bash bosh! That show is shocking! I was a great admirer of Keith’s prior to him joining the legions of the undead, but his skills have left him. The dishes lacked imagination. Simply chewing someone’s arm off and then sitting in the corner and eating it cannot be viewed as cookery.”

One clip in the show which particulary upset Oliver, showed Floyd rip open a woman’s stomach and plunge his face straight in only to reappear seconds later with intestines hanging from his mouth. “I couldn’t believe it!” Said a clearly shocked Oliver. “He didn’t use any seasoning and the presentation was awful! A little bit of parsley or a drizzle of balsamic vinegar goes a long way” He slammed.

Jamie’s Undead Dinners starts next Wednesday on Channel 4 at 9.00pm

Floyd of the dead

The culinary world was ravaged with shock today as it was revealed that the recently deceased celebrity chef Keith Floyd has risen from the grave to host a new TV show called Floyd Feasts on the Living.

The show which will feature the undead chef cooking up a number of human based treats has been greeted with dismay by a host of TV chefs.

Jamie Oliver was just one chef that has voiced concerns about the content of the show. “Bish bash bosh! I’ve watched a pilot of the show and all it involved was Floyd attacking and eating people. There was very little cooking involved. If you’re going to make a cookery show then surely it should involve some cooking? Maybe if Keith knocked up a nice human with braised white cabbage, bacon and thyme or a chargrilled leg with asparagus, then it’d have some credibility. The bit I watched just involved him gorging on someone’s intestines. He didn’t even use any seasoning! Dib dab dob, wallop!” He argued.

The makers of the show, which is to be screened on Channel 5 from next week, have released a statement saying that the show hasn’t quite gone according to plan.

The statement read:

The show was originally intended to highlight Keith’s talent for cooking and his witty banter with the cameraman. Unfortunately the cameraman soon discovered that Keith was only really interested in satisfying his craving for human flesh. The soundman did try to distract Keith with a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, but unfortunately not before Keith had chewed the cameraman’s arm off. We suggested that he cooked up the arm with some shallots, garlic and a bouquet garni, but he preferred to eat it as it came.

The show airs next Wednesday at 9.00pm on Channel 5