David of Oxfordshire attempting to heal a blind puppy with leprosy

Conservative Party leader, David Cameron has made the shock claim that he is The Son of God, and that he now wishes to be referred to as David Christ or David of Oxfordshire.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazereth hit back at the claim stating “God gets this sort of stuff quite a lot. People are always trying to cash in on his popularity by claiming they are his son. We had it with David Koresh, David Shayler and David Icke. We’re starting to think it’s a David thing.”

Cameron, however, is adamant that he is The Messiah. ” You just have to compare our lives! The similarities are undeniable.” He lied.

“Jesus’s foster father, Joseph worked as a carpenter. Mine employed some carpenters to do some work at our house in Peasemore. In The Bible, Mark describes Jesus as a heroic, charismatic man of action and mighty deeds. I don’t think I need to say anymore.” He excreted

ROSWL (Repeating One Swear Word Loudly) spokesman, Alan Great, hit back at Cameron’s assessment of his abilities by repeatedly shouting “COCK!” In Mr Cameron’s face until he fell to his knees, adopted the foetal position and wept continously for a period of 18 hours, breaking the World record previously held by Michael Barrymore.

Baldwin preaching at an oven chip convention

Hallelujah! Welcome disciples, it is I Stephen Baldwin, here to help you believe in the Lord and to lay before you a path leading to Heaven. It may be a steep climb for some of you, but believe me it will be a path worth walking.

Let me ask you a question. What keeps you alive every day? What’s the one thing you’d need most, right now, if I took it away? That’s right, it’s oxygen. How do you know it’s called oxygen? See, somebody told you that oxygen was called oxygen, the thing you need the most. Well, guess what? Somebody told you that the words in The Bible are true, and you went, ‘I don’t believe it.’ But you’ll believe oxygen!

Now some people might say ‘But Stephen, there is scientific evidence to support the existence of oxygen, but there is no evidence to support the word of The Bible. To that I say BURN THEM! Because they are in league with The Dark Prince. Disbelievers will be punished! God is a vengeful God and ye shall be punished if you doubt his word despite a lack of any evidence to support it. You must believe blindly or ye shall be blinded by his fury!

Brothers, sisters, I don’t believe in evolution. See, because here’s my problem. Evolution means that something has become something from something else. Correct? OK, so my question is, if we’re from apes, why are the apes still here? If we evolved from apes, they would have died off.

Some people might answer that evolutionary science doesn’t actually say that we are from apes, but that apes and ourselves share a distant common ancestor. They might go on to explain that the reason apes haven’t died off is because they too are infact evolving, just differently from humans.

To these people I would say BURN, BURN, BURN in the fiery pits of Hell. BURN the heretics! BURN the unbelievers. God will smite you on your satanic ass! He will bring forth wrath upon your friends and family, for God is a vengeful God and your going to be pulling smite and wrath out of your ass for weeks.

What my faith requires is that if I, my wife and my two kids were sitting on a public bus, and somebody came on with a machine-gun and pointed it at my daughter and said to her, ‘Say Jesus doesn’t exist’… If she turned to me and said, ‘What do I do?’, I’d say, ‘What have I taught you to do?’ And she’d say, ‘Jesus absolutely exists’, and I’d see her in heaven.

Some people might say ‘Stephen, you are absolutely fucking crazy’, I’d say you’re darned tootin I’m crazy. I’m crazy for the love of our Lord.

Feeling the pinch

Omnipresent superbeing, God, has sent shockwaves through the religion industry by announcing bishop cuts in the Church of England sector.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazareth, defended the move stating “The value of The Church of England’s investment portfolio fell to £4.4bn last year from £5.7bn in 2007. God has to start taking action whether it is popular or not. God’s word is final! It is not for people to judge but to obey without question. God is capable of some serious smiting with extra wrath if people go against his will!

God has also instructed churchgoers to dig deeper with their donations as he sees his profits dwindle in the current recession. “If people think that putting 20p in the collection plate is going to save them from eternal torment in the fiery pits of hell then they better bloody well think again! God has decided on a £100 minimum with an option for paying in easy monthly installments.” Jesus continued.

A group set up by Clergy to oppose the cuts called Vicars Against God’s Increasingly Negative Approach (VAGINA), has called on Christians everywhere to join them in a day of protest against the job losses. VAGINA spokesman Reverend Dr David Pixton said ” God has lost sight of his own message. I know the Bible is full of contradictions, but this is taking the absolute fucking piss!” He slammed.

“I heard that!” replied God.

Jesus of Holby City

A Bristol man who lost his penis after the car he was driving collided with a church, has told how the experience helped him find Jesus.

Malcolm Munn who suffered the accident in December 2008, says that having his penis and scrotum ripped from his body as a result of the impact of the collision, was the best thing that has ever happened to him. Mr Munn’s penis was eventually found in the font of St Bartholamew’s Church in Bristol, and his scrotum came to rest on a 6ft statue of The Virgin Mary.

“Every morning when I wake up, I praise the Lord that I no longer have any genitals to lead me down a road of temptation. My penis has been replaced by Jesus. Time that I would have normally spent satisfying my unholy sex cravings, I now spend spreading the Lord’s message of love, forgiveness, tolerance and not being gay.” He preached.

After the accident, doctors did attempt to reattach Mr Munn’s Genitals, after the vicar of the church wrapped the penis and scrotum in a bag of frozen battered chicken dippers, but this proved fruitless. “When I regained consciousness, I immediately felt a burning sensation surging through me. The doctors said this would subside once the stitches came out, but I new it was Jesus’ love I was feeling.” He gushed.

Mr Munn has now set up his own church where he claims to speak directly with Jesus. “Jesus has told me that we must be tolerant of others and forgive people their sins, unless they’re gay. The thought of men moaning with ecstacy as they sex each other up, with their muscular frames glistening with sweat as they indulge themselves in a daisy chain of sodomy, is something that makes Jesus really erm..bloody angry.” He said.

Christ on a bike

Republican’s have reacted angrily to suggestions that the core message of the bible is one of love, peace, forgiveness and understanding, by revealing plans to re-write the bible.

The writings are to be called The All New Testament, and are to be released in conjunction with a film about Jesus and the 12 deciples called Jesus and The Dirty Dozen.

Republican spokesman Hank Taylor said “The bible has become outdated. We need to bring it in line with modern thinking.”

The book which will replace the more traditional view of Jesus as having long hair, beard and wearing robes, with a military look short back and sides and a dirty vest, with Vin Diesel rumoured to be taking the lead in the movie adaptaption.

One notable difference in the re-working involves who killed Jesus and the method of execution. In the original it is suggested that Jesus was flogged and Crucified by Roman soldiers. In the re-make the idea is put forth that Jesus was actually killed by Russians in a bloody gunfight in a casino just outside Golgotha.

Leaked passages from the yet to be released All New Testament include:

AL 1:40,41 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

And Jesus, moved forward, put forth his hand, pointed, and saith unto him, ” This fucker’s got the lurgy! Torch him.”

James, Son of Zebedee, steppeth forth and with his holy flamethrower did proceed to fry the leper to a crisp.

Jesus raised his hands into the air and sayeth ” Yeah, barbecued leper all round!”

And lo, the first Macdonalds was born. The disciples did rejoice and did feast upon the leper in a seasame seed bun, stopping half way to remove the gherkins and throw them under the table.

The All new Testament is released on Hysteria books in Feb 2009. The film Jesus and the Dirty Dozen is scheduled for release in the summer of 2009. An audio book of the All New Testament read by Steven Seagal is also scheduled for release sometime in 2009