False limbs expert faces disciplinary hearing

False limbs expert, Malcolm Griffiths, is due to appear before a disciplinary committee following allegations that he fitted a left prosthetic foot to a man’s right leg.

Patrick Morrison, 76, had a left foot attached after his right foot had been removed.

“I knew something wasn’t right when I kept walking around in circles, ” Said Mr Morrison. “I’d always been a keen dancer, but I was doing a rumba, and I was all over the place.” He continued through tears.

It is also alleged Mr Griffiths failed to spot his error at two later check-ups, despite Mr Morrison entering his office at a funny angle and then walking into the wall.

Horror film causes panic

Parents and politicians in Italy have been infested with outrage after reports that a number of cinema- goers have suffered panic attacks after US horror film Paranormal Activity, was released without any age restrictions.

Amongst the reports are claims that a 14 year old girl was left literally frozen with terror. The girl was removed from the auditorium by an usherette and defrosted using a hand dryer in the ladies toilet.

Internet rumours that the footage used in the film is actually real, have heightened cases of bedwetting, especially in southern Naples.

‘Fembot’ targets lonely internet users

Lonely internet users are being warned over a new piece of malicious software called Fembot, that pretends to be a woman on instant messaging services.

The software, which is also referred to as Hobot, has become so advanced that it can actually tailor discussions based on information that they are receiving.

One lonely user who was duped by the cyberscam said “It all seemed so real. She seemed to know what I was thinking. She knew everything about Star Trek and Dr Who. She even spoke Klingon! Infact I forgive her! I want us to be married, if she’ll have me.”

Sodomatum raperatus

Celebrity Gardener, Alan Titchmarsh has landed himself in hot water after a hybrid tree that he cultivated attacked several visitors to his house.

Titchmarsh, who got the idea for the tree after watching Sam Raimi’s 1981 horror masterpiece The Evil Dead, has apologized for the incidents which included attacks on a woman collecting for Dr Bernado’s, some carol singers and Tommy Walsh.

“I watched the film The Evil Dead, the other night and thought ‘by eck , I wonder if I could grow a raping tree.’ To be honest I didn’t think it was possible. I thought the best I could achieve would be a fumble in the foliage, but I created a new tree called The predator Poplar or Sodomatum raperatus.”

Tommy Walsh is expected to make a full recovery after an operation to remove a 6ft branch from his anus and several twigs from his foreskin was successful, although his trademark shorts that he has previously described as ‘irreplacable,’ have had to be cremated. The cremation took place after a moving service attended by a number of celebrities including Charlie Dimmock and Shabba Ranks.

When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will bum some sheep

Italian film maker Jasiano Spacioli, has just finished making his debut film entitled Zombie Sheep Bummers. We spoke to Spacioli about the film and his plans for the future.

“The film is based loosely upon the classic zombie film of the 70’s, Zombie Flesh Eaters, but instead of eating flesh the zombies bum sheep.” Spacioli explains. “This of course causes great concern to farmers, as no-one wants to eat a sheep that has had a zombies cock in it. One local farmer sets about destroying the zombie menace and putting an end to the bum lust.” He continued

The film stars celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall in his acting debut. Hugh plays local farmer Zac Slayer, who takes on the zombie sheep bummers. “It was great fun making the film and I would relish the opportunity do it again if Jasiano makes a sequel.” He enthused.

The film, which inspired one critic to write ‘If you watch one film this year about the undead rising up from the grave and bumming a load of sheep, then make it this one’, is scheduled for release in the Autumn.

Spacioli already has plans for a sequel to the film “This is just the start for me. I want to make a number of zombie films and follow a path similar to George A Romero. I have just finished writing a screenplay for my new project which I have called Zombie Bed Wetters.”