“Cerburus, I command thee!

Gordon Brown has strongly denied unleashing the ‘forces of hell’ on Alistair Darling, after the Chancellor revealed that a 3 headed dog kept him indoors for an entire weekend.

Mr Darling said No 10 and the Tories had given him “a weekend you could have done without” after he had forecast the worst recession for 60 years, in 2008.

Mr Brown told GMTV ” I would never instruct Cerburus to inflict destruction upon Mr Darling. Anyway, if I did summon him up then who do you think would be guarding the gates of Hades? People would be crossing the river Styx, willy nilly. It’s just not workable.”

Mr Darling claimed in an interview that the 3 headed hound had made a mockery of his pogonias and that it took him 2 hours to coax his cat down from a cherry tree by his shed.

Celebrity gardener, Alan Titchmarsh was sympathetic to Mr Darling’s plight. “The hounds of hell can wreak havoc on flower beds and on other types of landscaping plants. If it happens again I’d suggest Jumping at the dogs, making a loud noise and squirting them with a small spray bottle filled with water. Do this whenever you see the dogs in your flower bed and they will learn not to go in that area.”

A Conservative spokesman dribbled: “The fact that Gordon Brown is prepared to unleash a mythological beast to open up a world of devastation in his chancellor’s garden, speaks volumes. Surely Mr Brown should put on his gardening gloves and take up his trowel and right his wrongs!”

In an unprecedented move to maintain freedom of speech and democracy, Gordon Brown today announced that crazy ass Muslim extremists ‘Islam4UK’ will be allowed to, quite literally, shit on the corpses of British soldiers by marching through a high-street.

‘It’s not about letting them make a symbolic gesture in order to highlight the forgotten Muslim casualties’ he guffed. ‘It’s clearly about pandering to extremists, letting the enemy empty their bowels on our dead, and kick starting a civil-war. They have every right to do this’.

Atheist thugs and defenders of Christianity, The English Defence League, have vowed to put a stop to the march by tanking themselves up in Wetherspoons and taking to the streets with their feet and fists.

An EDL spokesperson issued this statement on their website earlier: ‘WE ARE NOT AFRAID of these Muslims and will do everything we can to appear we are afraid and defend our country from the imaginary enemy we are not under attack from’.

An explicitly non violent Facebook group, uniting UK football firms to beat the living crap out of Islam4UK, has also garnered support for the counter protest and now has 150,000 members. The idea seems to have caught on with Muslims though, and the Baghdad FC Bastards are rumoured to be bussing several hundred thugs across Europe in response.

Tory leader David Cameron has so far remained neutral, but did suggest a few ideas in order to quell the anticipated violence. ‘In order to speed up proceedings, why not turn the event into a kind of religious sports day? Everyone adapts their empty coffin into a method of transport and different religions race down the high-street. If the Muslims win, then they can have Sharia Law.’

Rumours that The Pope has been souping up the Popemobile in anticipation of the race have been strongly denied by The Vatican.

David Cameron demonstrates his courage by wrestling with a wolf.

Gordon Brown was given a lifeline today amid reports that Conservative Top Boy, David Cameron, was overheard saying that he was “shitting it” at the prospect of being the next Prime Minister.

With the Nation off to the polls today to vote in the European Elections, the news that Cameron is a big scaredy gaylord will come as a blow to the Conservatives, who prior to Cameron’s admission were confident of a landslide victory at the next General Election.

“Boo hoo blub blub, I’m scared of being in charge. Aaahahahah! What a twat!” mocked Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson.

Gordon Brown however has warned of complacency “Statistically this country has more morons per square mile than any other country in Europe. We mustn’t be too confident that David Cameron’s admission that he’s a big chicken shit poof, will guarantee us victory. What a spaz though!” He grinned strangely.

Cameron has strongly denied the comment was ever made “This is nothing more than Labour shit-stirring! I’m not in the least bit frightened, quite the opposite infact. For breakfast I eat a big bowl of pressure, a steaming mug of patriotism, followed by a Full English National Anthem!” He said.

Lib Dem leader and bass player with Kajagoogoo, Nick Clegg, was full of bravado when asked to comment “I’d relish the opportunity to lead this great country out of recession and into a future of Prosperity and other stuff” He said safe in the knowledge that he stood absolutely fuck all chance of getting anywhere close to power.

Leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin, was being hailed as a hero last night after he saved a drowning kitten from a pond. The right wing mental case who has a criminal conviction for inciting racial hatred, leant forward across the pond to retrieve the kitten, ignoring the risk of getting his socks and shoes wet. Griffin who is head of the party that lists assault, burglary and car theft amongst its members criminal convictions, brushed off the incident. “I just did what anyone else would do” He said modestly. This was denied by Kevin Scott, the BNP’s North East regional organiser, who said that he would have thrown bricks at it.

The cat’s owner, Mrs Husna Qadir, was full of gratitude for Griffin, ” His party may have a history of violence, with convictions for being in possession of explosives amongst other things, but I think saving Mittens from drowning has shown his softer side.” Editor of Anti-Fascist magazine Searchlight, Nick Lowles said ” Everything that the BNP stands for is abhorrent, we must do all we can to stand against their campaigns of hate!……look at that kitten’s little face though, he’s so cute.”

News that Gordon Brown had rescued a family from the top floor of a block of flats that was engulfed in flames, has not affected his popularity in the polls after it was revealed that the family were gingers.

Controversial film ‘Poverty Royale’ sparked new shock today when it was revealed that many of the cast of the film were in fact Indians who had been made to resemble famous white actors and given voice coaching by Victoria Beckham. The revelation will no doubt add further fuel to the media merry-go-round that has been erupting since its release.

It is the latest twist in an ongoing feud between Britain and India since the film debuted at the Asia Pacific Film Festival two weeks ago. Royale, directed by Sanjeet Mahood, tells the story of an aristocratic English family who desperately seek to escape their priveleged life and begin a new life of poverty. They finally achieve this in the climax to the film when they win the fictitious gameshow ‘Who Wants To Lose It All’, (initially thought to have been presented by Les Dennis).

British directors, critics and politicians have been outraged at the film for portraying the nation in too much of a positive light. Gordon Brown, furious that a film like this could be released in the midst of a recession, immediately issued the statement that the work is ‘One giant lie. In times like these it is an insult to suggest that Britain is anything but a big slum’ and feels that the piece is ‘hugely patronising’ to a nation on the verge of what he has recently coined ‘the poverty apocalypse’.

The film has also attracted criticism for the fact that the director is Indian. ‘Not only does he have the nerve to mimic classic British styles [the film appears to borrow much from the Chucklebrothers], this outsider has no real knowledge of our culture’ exclaimed a red faced Kilroy Silk this morning. ”The self-deprecating image of Britain which I have proudly nurtured for decades is at risk of being jeopardised. I hope people will see through this and realise that Britain is still an extremely horrible place to live in’.

Mahood has refused to comment on the issue, although several Indian directors have publicly backed his stance. In her blog yesterday, Bollywood Megababe Shilpa Shetty wrote at length on the issue saying that ‘It is a shame that it has taken an Indian director and not a British one to finally speak the truth about their country. Despite the credit crunch porn that everyone is pleasuring themselves to, Britain is still very very rich’.

When challenged on whether it was a coicnidence that the BBC (in a sudden change to the original schedule) are planning Shameless, Steptoe and Son, and Jeremy Kyle nights over the next few days, Gordon Brown declined to comment.