How the clergy may look if the Church lets in trannies and gays

The Church has warned that new equality laws could force them to go against their faith.

Despite preaching tolerance and forgiveness, the church are currently able to turn down candidates for jobs as ministers or priests if they are actively homosexual or have changed their gender, or if they are women.

“It clearly states in the bible, No Gays! No Women! No Trannies!” Said Bishop of Chester, Rt Revd Peter Forster. “We’ve also got a team of vicars working around the clock to see if we can find anything in there about blacks aswell.” He added.

The Rt Revd Michael Langrish, Bishop of Exeter and Chair of the Churches Legislation Advisory Service commented “Having to compromise the beliefs of the Christian faith in order to comply with an EU directive makes a mockery of the religion. We simply don’t want any gays, women or trannies working within the church. Paedos, on the other hand, come on in! The more the merrier!”

A statement issued on behalf of the Rt Revd Michael Scott-Joynt, Bishop of Winchester, the Rt Revd Michael Langrish and Rt Revd Peter Forster, read: “The Christian churches, alongside many other faiths, support the Equality Bill’s wider aims in promoting fairness in society and improving redress for those who have suffered unjust treatment. However this fairness does not extend to gays, trannies, women and hopefully blacks. It is important that the church should be able to continue to discriminate against over half of the population, while presenting itself as a moral guide for society.”

A spokesman for gay rights group, Stonewall, adopted a pose in the style of a teapot and said in an extraordinarily camp way “Ooooooooooooooo, what a bitch!”

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“You people come over here making bad line calls!” Murray castigates a foreign umpire that he also suspects of homosexuality.

Andy Murray has offered an olive branch to British tennis fans still mourning the retirement of Daily Mail pin up Tim Henman. In an interview with the right wing newspaper he apologised for comments he made about the English being wankers. He also made strides to be accepted by readers by stating that he didn’t like Muslims and that gays should be banned.

” It’s important that Andy is accepted by British tennis fans, especially at a tournament like Wimbledon, where they can give a player that little bit extra. Their support is crucial if a little bit embarrasing” Said Murray’s coach Miles Maclagan of The Clan Maclagan.

The newspaper went on to question the British No.1 on a number off issues that are high on the list of its readers concerns. When asked about house prices, Murray said “If house prices go up then it can price people like nurses and teachers out of the market. If they go down it traps homeowners in negative equity. If they stay about the same then homeowners are in a situation where their investment stagnates. It’s a lose lose situation and it probably can cause a kind of stress related cancer that doctors haven’t discovered yet .”

A recent survey set up to profile the average tennis fan revealed that the majority of Wimbledon followers are called either Miriam or Bunty, are aged between 40 and 50 and are scared of everything.

Daily Mail readers were delighted by Murray’s comments and have bombarded the paper with praise for the World No.3.

43 year old Miriam Wills-Smythe said ” Come on Andy!”

47 year old Bunty Pilkley-Hunt added “Come on Andy!!”

44 year old Miriam Bunty-Miriam summed up everyone’s feelings when she gushed “Come on Andy!!!”