A government commissioned report has concluded that teachers in England should not be banned from membership of the British National Party or any group which may promote racism.

The news has been welcomed by one of the fifteen teachers who were revealed as BNP members in a leaked list last September.

“It’s true that I belong to a party that actively promotes racism. It is also true that the party have a history of violence, inciting racial hatred and Holocaust denial, but I leave all that behind when I walk through the school gates and treat all the children I teach the same……..Apart from that Josh Hunter lad, he hangs around with girls and acts a bit gay. I can’t be doing with his sort……oh, and those Muslims! Don’t get me started on the Muslims.” He vomited.

The report stated it had only come across nine incidents where teachers making racist remarks or holding racist materials had been referred to the General Teaching Council for England.

“At what point does it become unacceptable?” Said Primary school pupil Oliver Harding, age 6. ” 10? 15? 20 incidents? Quite frankly one is too many. The thought of some crazed right wing buffoon goose stepping through the corridors of the school puking out his vile prejudices towards myself and my fellow pupils sickens me to the very pits of my soul! Whoever wrote this report is the most humongous arse. Now if you don’t mind, the sun is shining, I have a magnifying glass and my friend Toby has discovered an ants nest. I must bid you good day, sir.”

Reports are coming in that John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy. We take a look at who will replace Terry and lead the squad to victory at the World Cup this summer.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams

Chances of sleeping with teamate’s wives and girlfriends. As Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Williams is unlikely to get involved with any sexing about, so Capello and the English public can feel confident that he’ll keep his energies for chasing lost causes into the opposition half as opposed to skirt into nightclubs.

Chances of sleeping with elderly prostitutes The Archbishop would probably be sympathetic to the plight of prostitutes and would maybe offer them spiritual guidance and pray for them. Therefore the chances of him being snapped leaving a brothel at 2 in the morning with a Tena lady stuck to his face are remote.

Chances of getting into a nightclub brawl. Dr Williams is unlikely to spend his time in nightclubs and is more likely to stay indoors and have a good old pray. If he did fancy taking the players out on a team building exercise, he’d probably take them to a museum or a medieval folly. If a risk of violence did arise, a group pray would quell the situation.

Chances of not turning up for a drug test Dr Williams, or Willsy as his team mates might call him, is probably an excellent time keeper and wouldn’t be phased by moving house. The likelihood is that he wouldn’t need any performancing enhancing drugs as God is his drug, and as yet God is not a banned substance in football.

Footballing ability The one area where Dr Williams may be found wanting, but no-one really gives a fuck about that, I mean it’s only the World fucking Cup after all. Who the fuck looks up to players as moral guides anyway. “But they’re an example to our kids.” Shut the fuck up! You’re an example to your kids! It’s your job to teach them right from wrong, not John fucking Terry!

Next week we assess whether Archbishop of York, John Sentamu could do a job on the left of England’s midfield.

Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe has questioned whether John Terry should retain the England captaincy after recent revelations about his private life.

Sutcliffe, who coincidentally shares his surname with The Yorkshire Ripper, said “On the field John Terry is a fantastic player and a good England captain, but it’s important that as sports minister I get involved in things that are quite frankly nothing to do with me. There’s very little point in appointing a manager of the national squad if team selection is dictated by politicians jumping on some kind of morality bandwagon. Add to that the fact that the track record of politicians in terms of setting an example is, to put it mildly, fucking disgraceful, then it’s clear that I’m better not commenting. Let’s face it, your average MP would shag a corpse if you popped it by the radiator for a few minutes. I really should keep my fucking stupid gob shut and leave decisions about the England football team to the manager that has been appointed to do the job.” He said to an open mouthed group of reporters.

Other players who have been touted as a replacement for Terry, should he be stripped of the captaincy, include elderly prostitute user, Wayne Rooney, nightclub face puncher, Steven Gerrard, and Rio Ferdinand who was banned for several months after failing to turn up to a drugs test.

The nation breathed a sigh of relief when they saw such solid examples to the kids just waiting in the wings.

“To be fair to Ferdinand, it is plausible that he did forget to turn up to the drugs test. I always forget stuff when I’m on drugs.” Said some bloke down the pub.

Jessica Flower before her admission

Following on from the admission of former Wales and Lions captain Gareth Thomas, that he is gay. Women’s rugby player, Jessica Flower has broken one of the major taboos of the sport by announcing that she is heterosexual.

The startling admission will send shockwaves through the women’s game, but Flower remains defiant. “I don’t see why my sexuality should be an issue. I am a rugby player and I’m a woman, that’s that!”

The Rugby World has come out in support of Thomas, pointing to his record in the game and saying what he get’s up to with other men in the privacy of his own bedroom is irrelevent. “I’m going to focus on Gareth Thomas the player, not the Gareth Thomas who likes to kiss, stroke and explore other men. His muscular frame glistening with sweat as he probes, caresses and….erm. yeah, great player.” Said former England and Lions coach Sir Clive Woodward

What sort of response Flower receives after her confession is yet to be seen, but initial responses have been ones of disbelief. “Fuck off! She’s definitely a lezza. She makes Martin Johnson look effeminate.” Said Lawrence Dallaglio.

For fuck’s sake ref/opposition player/one of our players. Delete as applicable

The draw has been made and England now know who they will face in the group stage of the biggest tournament in the Galaxy. But what everyone is asking themselves is ‘Who are we going to blame when England get knocked out in the quarter final on penalties?’

Today we are going to take a look back over past tournaments to remind ourselves of how we were robbed of what is rightfully ours and who we scapegoated.

Not Maradona, but God scored Argentina’s first. Fair play for the second though

1986: It’s the quarter finals and England face arch enemy Argentina.

Argentina take the lead with a hotly disputed goal that appears to have been handled into the England net by Diego Maradona. Argentina went two up with a wonder goal that Maradona took the credit for, much to God’s annoyance. England pulled one back but ultimately that first goal cost us a place in the Semis.

England supporters were angry with Maradona for what amounted to a crime worse than murder, but were incensed when the Argentinian claimed that it was not him that handled the ball, but omnipresent super being, God.

Revenge attacks were commonplace after the announcement with furious fans burning down churches and attacking vicars in the street.

Many vicars had a crisis of faith after investing a lot of time spreading God’s message only to be stabbed in the back by the cheating swine.

The ball from Waddle’s penalty miss can still be seen orbiting the planet

1990: England scraped passed Cameroon to make it to a semi final showdown with nemesis Germany.

Germany scored early doors with the flukiest free kick ever witnessed. The ball balloons up off Paul Parker and catches Peter Shilton off his line and sails in over the elderly goalkeeper’s head. England equalise through Gary Lineker and the nation rejoices.

Extra time and Gazza crying like an ugly girl followed, but ultimately the game would be decided on penalties. Anyway Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce fucked their’s up and the nation mourned and called them shit.

1994: Graham Taylor. Do I not like that.

Batistuta prepares to congratulate the ref on his decision

1998: It’s the second round and once again England face Argentina.

Argentina take an early lead through a Batistuta penalty, but England reply with a penalty of their own after Michael Owen is stabbed in the area. Owen then scores an amazing goal and England are in dreamland. A lapse of concentration in the English defence saw Argentina equalise from a free kick and it was 2-2.

What happened next caused fury to infect every man, woman and child in this great country of ours.

David Beckham lay on the ground taking a well-earned break. When Diego Simeone tried to wake him up, Beckham flung out a leg and Simeone fell to the ground like a falling tree that had been shot by a sack of potatoes. Beckham was immediately shown the red card as Batistuta nodded and applauded in a such a way that it made you want to cheese grate his face off.

The country then did exactly what you would expect after such an injustice… They took to the streets burning effigies of David Beckham in a sarong.

Ay….what…..bollocks!

2002. England suffer quarter final anguish against the Brazilians

A number of factors have been blamed for our exit from this competition. David Beckham discovered a new bone in his foot that he promptly broke in a champions league game. David Seaman standing statuesque as a Ronaldinho free kick floats over his head. Sven sitting in the dugout doing absolutely fuck all as England struggled to breakdown 10 man Brazil after Ronaldinho is sent off for having an offensive face.

One reason that hasn’t been and is never really considered is that England simply aren’t good enough.

The ref blows for a free kick to England shortly before Ronaldo offers him a hanky with chloroform on it

2006. It’s the quarter finals again and this time England face Portugal.

Who or what would scupper England’s chances this time? The answer is of course Cristiano Ronaldo.

A frustrated Wayne Rooney became entangled with Ricardo Carvalho and Armando Petit and aimed a stamp at Carvalho’s Knackers. At this point Ronaldo drugged the ref, stole his clothes and sent Rooney off before putting back on his kit and reviving the referee who was none the wiser.

England lost the game on penalties and the World cup dream was over for another 4 years

2010? So what will it be? A refereeing catastrophe? An opposition player mutilating one of our brave boys. One of our brave boys making a monumental fuck up and getting a blasting for being too human. Who knows, but one things for sure, we’ll be cheering our lads all the way to the quarter finals.