Today’s contest sees Dutch expressionist painter, Vincent Van Gogh, take on actress Joanna Lumley.

Van Gogh has entered this painting which he has titled ‘Chair and pipe’.

Joanna has created this masterpiece that she has called ‘Technicolour dreamcock’. “When I’m not fighting for the rights of mercenaries, painting helps me to relax. I hope you enjoy my painting” She grinned.

Art critic, Peregrine Falcon, was impressed with Lumley’s entry. “It’s beautiful! The colours are so bright. It really is a truly vibrant cock.”

He wasn’t so complimentary about Van Gogh’s entry. ” His angles are a bit shit and it’s hardly an exciting subject. If I wanted to look at a chair all day, I’d pop down to DFS.” He blasted.

With the new Premier League football season nearly upon us we bring Premier League fans the must have guide to the season ahead. All the latest deals as they happen! All the information you’ll ever need!

First things first, yes that sale at DFS is still on! Every Premier League football fan needs a nice comfy chair to sit in and at DFS, you can pick one up at a double savings price! And that’s not all! Even though it’s on sale you still pay nothing for the first year! Anyone would think that when their sale is not on they are simply offering goods at inflated prices to create the illusion that you’re getting a great bargain!

Not only are Tesco responsible for the death of the High Street, you can also hold them responsible for the death of your brain cells and damage to your liver with some of these great booze offers! 24 cans of Carlsberg for £12! You can also pick up a bottle of Champagne Francois Dubois Non Vintage Brut for just £14.50!

One great tip for any Premier League football fan is that you can get prawns dirt cheap if you go direct to the supplier! Just ask celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. “Bish bash bosh! I’ve got 3 tons of prawns for just £2.50 off some geezer in Thailand! Dib dab dob wallop!” He enthused. With deals like that you can’t go wrong!

No Premier League football fan would ever be seen without their replica shirt. You can say what you like about child labour, but those kids sure know how to knock up a quality bit of kit! We’ve shopped around and tried to find you the best bargains! Unfortunately everwhere you look they are ridiculously overpriced. You morons still fucking buy them up like your life depended on it! Idiots!