With the news that Los Angeles police chief William Bratton has confirmed that investigators had not ruled out homicide(American for murder), we’ve decided to take a closer look at what really killed Michael Jackson.

We spoke with official Dawn of the Jed doctor, Dr David Pixton about possible causes of death for the King of pop.

“Death results from the heart stopping beating and the lungs not breathing. There are a number of things that can cause this to happen. For example if the killer had cut off Michael Jackson’s head with a chainsaw then his ability to breathe would have been hindered, a lack of oxygen would have caused his brain to die and the extreme blood loss would have almost certainly resulted in his death . Also if the killer had ripped out his heart and stuck it on a spike, the heart would have trouble continuing to function efficiently. It is however highly unlikely that either of these occurences would have been missed in the first autopsy.

Some rumours suggest that Jackson was killed by an anaesthetic, Propofol, which is so powerful it should only be used in hospitals under very controlled conditions, with heart monitoring and emergency priests. It is believed that the drug was administered by one of an army of doctors who were quite happy to give Jackson whatever he required whether it was beneficial to his condition or whether it would cause his heart to explode out of his arse.

It is more than likely that the true facts about Jackson’s death will never be known and we will end up watching conspiracy theory programmes for years to come. It will be like Princess Diana all over again. It seems odd to me that people seem fascinated with Diana’s death being a cover up for something more sinister. She had 2 children one who already has receeding hair just like his father and the other who looks fuck all like Prince Charles and has hair like a fucking bog brush. There’s your cover up.”

Dr Pixton’s book ‘Trust me I’m a doctor’ is available on Malpractice books from August 2009

Feeling the pinch

Omnipresent superbeing, God, has sent shockwaves through the religion industry by announcing bishop cuts in the Church of England sector.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazareth, defended the move stating “The value of The Church of England’s investment portfolio fell to £4.4bn last year from £5.7bn in 2007. God has to start taking action whether it is popular or not. God’s word is final! It is not for people to judge but to obey without question. God is capable of some serious smiting with extra wrath if people go against his will!

God has also instructed churchgoers to dig deeper with their donations as he sees his profits dwindle in the current recession. “If people think that putting 20p in the collection plate is going to save them from eternal torment in the fiery pits of hell then they better bloody well think again! God has decided on a £100 minimum with an option for paying in easy monthly installments.” Jesus continued.

A group set up by Clergy to oppose the cuts called Vicars Against God’s Increasingly Negative Approach (VAGINA), has called on Christians everywhere to join them in a day of protest against the job losses. VAGINA spokesman Reverend Dr David Pixton said ” God has lost sight of his own message. I know the Bible is full of contradictions, but this is taking the absolute fucking piss!” He slammed.

“I heard that!” replied God.

Dawn of the Jed have teamed up with ELF Energy in an attempt to produce a greener form of energy created by teenage boys looking for grumble on the internet.

A spokesman for ELF said “Wank happy teenagers produce enough energy in their attempts to find suitable material for cracking one off to power an entire household for 6 hours. A recent story on the humorous website Dawn of the Jed about teenage tennis starlet Laura Robson generated enough teenage energy to power a town the size of Ipswich for 2 weeks.”

Official Dawn of the Jed Spokesman, David Pixton said “Everyone at Jed is delighted that it can contribute toward a greener planet and a nicer environment for everyone to live and prosper in. Initiatives like this can only be a positive thing. The thought that your kettle or even your granny’s life support machine is being powered by a spotty teenager called Dwayne furiously masturbating over an image of Girls Aloud makes you proud to be British.”

Environmentalists have however issued a stark warning concerning the plans. “It is entirely possible that people searching for cyberscud of celebrities like Laura Robson are not teenage boys, but people with more sinister motives. Energy created of this kind is known in energy circles as ‘Bad power’. This kind of power contaminates clean energy and causes malfunctions in electrical appliances creating such hazards as burnt toast and poorly refrigerated meats.” ranted Green party leader Caroline Lucas.

Michael Jackson shares a joke with a couple of mates

Conspiracy theorists were working overtime today as rumours started to emerge that Michael Jackson is not dead at all.

News that sales of the cash-strapped singer superstar’s back catalogue will generate more cash than they did when he was alive have fueled speculation that he’s alive, well and laughing the best that his surgery ravaged face will allow.

Jackson, who was diagnosed with death last Thursday, has 10 singles currently occupying the UK Top 50 and 5 albums in the Top 20. The singer has seen his popularity soar as people who didn’t previously give a shit have suddenly decided that they think he’s great.

Official Dawn of the Jed doctor, Dr David Pixton, said “Death is a very serious condition that affects the sufferers ability to breath and the hearts ability to continue beating so it’s unlikely that this would have allowed him to fulfil the 50 dates at the O2 Arena that he was scheduled to start later this summer. With this in mind and the singer’s well publicised financial difficulties, it’s entirely plausible that he’s writhing naked on a bed of £50 notes as his record sales go through the roof.”

Recent sightings of Jackson after his alledged death include him being spotted buying some top soil in the Chorley branch of B&Q, browsing the family film section of a Gillingham branch of Blockbusters and waving his cock about at a group of school children on a day trip to the National History Museum.

Before: Hey guys, check me out! I’ve got this great drinking game!

After: You pigs are fucked when the Beard Master finds out about this!

Friend of Jed, David Pixton, has sent us this game which has been specifically designed for the kind of person that just simply going out and getting drunk isn’t enough. You know the sort of person? The one that feels that their evening has been wasted unless they spend the latter part of the night vomiting madras out of their nostrils. The sort of person that feels disappointed if they can actually remember any details of the previous nights proceedings. The sort of person that shoves his cock into a policeman’s helmet and then furiously masturbates over their………….anyway, on with the game….

GAME OF DEATH WISH MASTER AND COMMANDER FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

“Where the men are separated from the boys and the stomachs are separated from their contents”

Number of players: 4 or more, but the more the better
Playing time: Depends on alcohol tolerance!

Aim of the game:
The aim of this relatively complex game is simply to:
a) Be the last man standing (which given the difficulty of the game this can be changed to sitting).
b) Not drink the Holy Grail (described later)
c) Not to speak the Holy Word (described later)
d) Become the Master of Resurrection (also described later)
e) Survive

You will need:
· A Jester’s hat
· A crown
· A fake beard
· A goblet
· A cap or fedora
· A pack of cards
· A pen and paper
· 3 bottles of spirits (e.g.: vodka, gin, rum)
· 3 mixers (e.g.: OJ. Lemonade, pineapple juice)
· Your preferred drink (can of beer, glass of wine, vodka and coke etc)
· A dice
· A phone with 999 on speed dial
· A pack of straws
· A buzzer or bell

The Ground Rules:

During the course of the game you may incur “Drinkable Offences” these start as:
· Using the toilet
· Speaking the holy word (described later)
· You lose to Thumb Master (described later)
· Any Drinkable Offence introduced by Beard Master ( also described later)

A Drinkable Offence means that you must swing 2 finger widths from your preferred drink. As the game progresses more drinkable offences can be added (e.g. left handed drinking, pointing, using persons name etc), these will be added by the Beard Master.

The Holy Grail:
The centre piece of the game is the goblet. This is placed in the middle of the table empty and is referred to as the Holy Grail. Periodically during the game this will be filled with the spirits and mixers and eventually drunk and refilled and drunk again and so on. The spirits and mixers must be ceremonially arranged around the Holy Grail and can optionally be decorated with flowers, ornaments; herbs and candles (actually given the amount of alcohol involved maybe not candles).

When a drink is added to the Holy Grail, this is called “Questing.”
Questing occurs when:
1. Some one uses the toilet
2. The Holy Word is spoken
3. The Beard Master decides
4. The Dance Master decides

To decide which drink is added to the Holy Grail, allocate each of the spirits and mixers a number. When questing occurs roll the dice and add either a shot or measure of the respective spirit or mixer to the Holy Grail.

Example:
You number your drinks:
1) Gin 2) OJ 3) Vodka 4) Lemonade 5) Rum 6) Pineapple juice
One of the players had to use the toilet, under the rules, this is Questing and therefore a drink must be added to the Holy Grail. This player rolls the dice and scores a 5, this means a shot of rum is added to the goblet

When the Holy Grail has received 4 drinks then it is full and ready to be drunk.

Who drinks the Holy Grail?
To determine who drinks the Holy Grail, each player is dealt a card (leave the jokers in, this is very important). The player who is dealt the lowest card drinks the Holy Grail to themselves, down in one. In the event that 2 or more players are tied on the same number then they share the drink with straws (this is called draws and straws).
If a Joker is drawn then the numbers are reversed and the player with the highest card must consume the Grail. If both Jokers are drawn then the player with the Jokers must share the Grail.

Word Master, Dance Master, Thumb Master, Beard Master
The Masters are the roles taken on by the players in the game. To begin with they are determined at random (coin toss, dice roll, picked out of a hat etc)
Each of the Masters has several powers described below.

Word Master
At the beginning of the game, each player writes a word and their name on a piece of paper. E.G: Word: Sunday Name: Dave
These bits of paper are folded and placed in a hat and one is chosen by a random player. This player is now the Word Master. He must take note of the word and its author and keep it secret; the word on the paper is called The Holy Word.

As the game progresses the Word Master must listen diligently to the conversation, if a player speaks the Holy Word the Word Master notifies the group by ringing a buzzer or bell. At this time that player has committed a drinkable offence and must do 2 fingers of their drink and a random drink is added to the Holy Grail.

If a player speaks their own word, e.g. if Dave says Sunday and this is the Holy Word he must finish his remaining drink as opposed to taking 2 fingers.

The Word Master then takes another word from the hat and the process begins again. When the Holy Grail is full and has been drunk and new Word Master is chosen at random.

Dance Master
The Dance Master is chosen at random and at all times must wear the ceremonial hat (the jester’s hat).
The Dance Master has the following powers and responsibilities:
· At any time during the game can perform a 20 second dance. This allows him to add a chosen drink (not random) to the Holy Grail. To begin his dance the Dance Master must ask permission from the Beard Master, which he cannot refuse. The Beard Master decides the choice of music for the dance.
· The Dance Master must refer to the Beard Master as “Holy One” the Beard Master must refer to the Dance Master as “Raj” failure to do so from either player means that they must take a drink.
· If when the Holy Grail if being consumed the Dance Master draws a Joker, he is given the power to nominate anyone (over ruling any other powers) to drink the Holy Grail, regardless of what other cards are drawn. In the event that Dance Master draws the Joker and another player has one too, the player with the other Joker must take the Holy Grail.
· Once his dance powers have been used the role of Dance Master moves one place to the left.

Thumb Master
The role of Thumb Master is determined at random at the start of the game. At any time during the game the Thumb Master may place his thumb on the table. All the other players must follow suit. The last player to get their thumb on the table must take a drink, this player then takes the role of Thumb Master.

Beard Master
The Beard Master is chosen at random at the start of the game. At all times he must wear the ceremonial hat (the crown) and beard.
The Beard Master is a character of some power and responsibility. During the game the Beard Master may:
· Can add or remove one rule that constitutes a drinkable offence (e.g.: add left hand drinking, no pointing etc) as long as it doesn’t interfere with any of the fundamental rules of the game.
· If the Beard Master commits a drinkable offence he can nominate another player to take it in his place (this includes if he has to drink the Holy Grail).
· If the Beard Master commits a drinkable offence by calling the Dance Master anything other then Raj he can shout “Damn you Raj!” at which point everyone including himself and the Dance Master must drink.
· He can add a drink to the Holy Grail.
· The Crown Challenge. Any player can challenge the Beard Master for the right to his position. To do this the Beard Masters crown is placed in the middle of the table and each contestant (BM and challenger) must throw a card in to it. The Beard Master goes first. If he gets the card in the crown he has won the challenge and can nominate a forfeit to the challenger. If he misses, the challenger gets a throw. If the challenger also misses, the Beard Master gets to nominate a forfeit as if he had won the challenge. If the challenger’s card lands in the crown then he has won the challenge and becomes the Beard Master and can lay a forfeit on the defeated former Beard Master.
· Lord of the Dance. The Beard Master has the power to grant clemency to a player who has to drink the Holy Grail. To do this the player must plead to the Beard Master for Lord of the Dance. If he accepts the Beard Master must drink a shot. After this all the remaining players dance around the Beard Master for 20 seconds. When the dance is finished all players except the Beard Master share the Holy Grail with straws and draws.
· Once the Beard Master has used one of his powers (not challenges or Lord of the Dance) the Beard Master rolls a dice. If he scores a six he stays in his role, any other score and the role of Beard Master moves to the player on his right.

Death Master / Resurrection Master

This role is the ultimate role of the game and the true test of your drinking skills. If a player happens to become Word Master, Dance Master, Thumb Master and Beard Master all at the same time, a gong is sounded and this player is declared the Death Master and a timer is set and play is temporarily halted.
The Death Master is given 15 minutes, during this time they must consume all drinks that are on the table. If he completes his task he is promoted to the role of Resurrection Master and he then gains the following powers:
· Every player except the Resurrection Master must drink a Holy Grail; all the dice rolled to determine the drink are rolled by the Resurrection Master.
· If during the 15 minutes the players fails the test and vomits, all players must take a 50/50 test to do a random Holy Grail

The End

Please drink responsibly

Doctors have dismissed claims by Paul Gascoigne that Alan Shearer’s blood is black and white. Gascoigne claimed in a barely comprehensible interview that if you cut the new manager of Newcastle, “he’d bleed black and white and that like.”

Hematologist, Dr David Pixton said ” This is an absolute fucking nonsense! It’s common knowledge that blood is red!”

Chris Waddle defended his former England teammate by stating “Gazza may be a little confused and that like! Blood is naturally black inside your system. The protein hemoglobin, which carries oxygen in the blood, changes shape when it binds oxygen. When it changes shape, it absorbs different wavelengths of light, making it change colour. When blood is exposed to air, much more of the hemoglobin absorbs oxygen than had in the vein the blood came from. Therefore, the blood turns red and that like. So he’s correct that Alan’s blood is black, but he does bleed red. Where he got the white stuff from is anybody’s fucking guess and that like.”

Other former England teammates have also jumped to Gazza’s defence “The horseshoe crab has blue blood because they use copper instead of iron and there’s a kind of annelid worm that lives in the sea that has blood that’s purple when it’s oxygenated and that like” pondered Peter Beardsley.