David of Oxfordshire attempting to heal a blind puppy with leprosy

Conservative Party leader, David Cameron has made the shock claim that he is The Son of God, and that he now wishes to be referred to as David Christ or David of Oxfordshire.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazereth hit back at the claim stating “God gets this sort of stuff quite a lot. People are always trying to cash in on his popularity by claiming they are his son. We had it with David Koresh, David Shayler and David Icke. We’re starting to think it’s a David thing.”

Cameron, however, is adamant that he is The Messiah. ” You just have to compare our lives! The similarities are undeniable.” He lied.

“Jesus’s foster father, Joseph worked as a carpenter. Mine employed some carpenters to do some work at our house in Peasemore. In The Bible, Mark describes Jesus as a heroic, charismatic man of action and mighty deeds. I don’t think I need to say anymore.” He excreted

ROSWL (Repeating One Swear Word Loudly) spokesman, Alan Great, hit back at Cameron’s assessment of his abilities by repeatedly shouting “COCK!” In Mr Cameron’s face until he fell to his knees, adopted the foetal position and wept continously for a period of 18 hours, breaking the World record previously held by Michael Barrymore.

Tories spell out benefit cut plan

The Conservatives say they would pay for their £600m plan to “get Britain working” by pretending that the unemployed don’t exist.

David Cameron has come under criticism for the plans with some MPs labelling him “A callous cunt.” Cameron, however responded to the allegations by stating “La la la la, I can’t hear you. We do not acknowledge the unemployed in any shape, way or form. You can’t pay benefits to people that don’t exist.

Plans are already underway for a giant carpet to be constructed with which the Tories plan to sweep the 2.5 million unemployed underneath.

England match to be internet only

England’s World Cup qualifier in Ukraine on Saturday will be shown exclusively live to subscribers on the internet who sign their soul over to satan.

Kentaro – an international agency appointed by the Ukrainian Football Federation – originally sold the UK rights for the game to Setanta.

Brian Eelzebub, managing director of Kentaro, told DOTJ Sport: “Tough shit, fuck you, cunt!”

Unpopular twins get Louis’ vote

Irish twins John and Edward (pictured) have been put through to the final 12 of X factor by Louis Walsh, but have been named rank outsiders by bookmakers William Hill.

Walsh put through Irish brothers John and Edward, saying he “saw something in you that none of the other judges saw”. The pair had stones thrown at them at auditions, while Cowell called them “obnoxious little fuckspaks”.

Some critics have stated that Walsh’s decision is based purely on the off chance that he’d get to play middle man in a 3-way bum chain.

Banks ’show first recovery signs’

The country was rejoicing yesterday after it was revealed that banks have started to show signs of recovery.

Early signs include one bank boss feasting on Fois gras and truffles while guzzling champagne.

Other sightings include a high flying banker wearing Gucci loafers with no socks taunting a big issue seller with a £5 note on a bit of string and another smearing himself with the blood of the workers.

David Cameron demonstrates his courage by wrestling with a wolf.

Gordon Brown was given a lifeline today amid reports that Conservative Top Boy, David Cameron, was overheard saying that he was “shitting it” at the prospect of being the next Prime Minister.

With the Nation off to the polls today to vote in the European Elections, the news that Cameron is a big scaredy gaylord will come as a blow to the Conservatives, who prior to Cameron’s admission were confident of a landslide victory at the next General Election.

“Boo hoo blub blub, I’m scared of being in charge. Aaahahahah! What a twat!” mocked Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson.

Gordon Brown however has warned of complacency “Statistically this country has more morons per square mile than any other country in Europe. We mustn’t be too confident that David Cameron’s admission that he’s a big chicken shit poof, will guarantee us victory. What a spaz though!” He grinned strangely.

Cameron has strongly denied the comment was ever made “This is nothing more than Labour shit-stirring! I’m not in the least bit frightened, quite the opposite infact. For breakfast I eat a big bowl of pressure, a steaming mug of patriotism, followed by a Full English National Anthem!” He said.

Lib Dem leader and bass player with Kajagoogoo, Nick Clegg, was full of bravado when asked to comment “I’d relish the opportunity to lead this great country out of recession and into a future of Prosperity and other stuff” He said safe in the knowledge that he stood absolutely fuck all chance of getting anywhere close to power.