For fuck’s sake ref/opposition player/one of our players. Delete as applicable

The draw has been made and England now know who they will face in the group stage of the biggest tournament in the Galaxy. But what everyone is asking themselves is ‘Who are we going to blame when England get knocked out in the quarter final on penalties?’

Today we are going to take a look back over past tournaments to remind ourselves of how we were robbed of what is rightfully ours and who we scapegoated.

Not Maradona, but God scored Argentina’s first. Fair play for the second though

1986: It’s the quarter finals and England face arch enemy Argentina.

Argentina take the lead with a hotly disputed goal that appears to have been handled into the England net by Diego Maradona. Argentina went two up with a wonder goal that Maradona took the credit for, much to God’s annoyance. England pulled one back but ultimately that first goal cost us a place in the Semis.

England supporters were angry with Maradona for what amounted to a crime worse than murder, but were incensed when the Argentinian claimed that it was not him that handled the ball, but omnipresent super being, God.

Revenge attacks were commonplace after the announcement with furious fans burning down churches and attacking vicars in the street.

Many vicars had a crisis of faith after investing a lot of time spreading God’s message only to be stabbed in the back by the cheating swine.

The ball from Waddle’s penalty miss can still be seen orbiting the planet

1990: England scraped passed Cameroon to make it to a semi final showdown with nemesis Germany.

Germany scored early doors with the flukiest free kick ever witnessed. The ball balloons up off Paul Parker and catches Peter Shilton off his line and sails in over the elderly goalkeeper’s head. England equalise through Gary Lineker and the nation rejoices.

Extra time and Gazza crying like an ugly girl followed, but ultimately the game would be decided on penalties. Anyway Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce fucked their’s up and the nation mourned and called them shit.

1994: Graham Taylor. Do I not like that.

Batistuta prepares to congratulate the ref on his decision

1998: It’s the second round and once again England face Argentina.

Argentina take an early lead through a Batistuta penalty, but England reply with a penalty of their own after Michael Owen is stabbed in the area. Owen then scores an amazing goal and England are in dreamland. A lapse of concentration in the English defence saw Argentina equalise from a free kick and it was 2-2.

What happened next caused fury to infect every man, woman and child in this great country of ours.

David Beckham lay on the ground taking a well-earned break. When Diego Simeone tried to wake him up, Beckham flung out a leg and Simeone fell to the ground like a falling tree that had been shot by a sack of potatoes. Beckham was immediately shown the red card as Batistuta nodded and applauded in a such a way that it made you want to cheese grate his face off.

The country then did exactly what you would expect after such an injustice… They took to the streets burning effigies of David Beckham in a sarong.

Ay….what…..bollocks!

2002. England suffer quarter final anguish against the Brazilians

A number of factors have been blamed for our exit from this competition. David Beckham discovered a new bone in his foot that he promptly broke in a champions league game. David Seaman standing statuesque as a Ronaldinho free kick floats over his head. Sven sitting in the dugout doing absolutely fuck all as England struggled to breakdown 10 man Brazil after Ronaldinho is sent off for having an offensive face.

One reason that hasn’t been and is never really considered is that England simply aren’t good enough.

The ref blows for a free kick to England shortly before Ronaldo offers him a hanky with chloroform on it

2006. It’s the quarter finals again and this time England face Portugal.

Who or what would scupper England’s chances this time? The answer is of course Cristiano Ronaldo.

A frustrated Wayne Rooney became entangled with Ricardo Carvalho and Armando Petit and aimed a stamp at Carvalho’s Knackers. At this point Ronaldo drugged the ref, stole his clothes and sent Rooney off before putting back on his kit and reviving the referee who was none the wiser.

England lost the game on penalties and the World cup dream was over for another 4 years

2010? So what will it be? A refereeing catastrophe? An opposition player mutilating one of our brave boys. One of our brave boys making a monumental fuck up and getting a blasting for being too human. Who knows, but one things for sure, we’ll be cheering our lads all the way to the quarter finals.

Doctors have dismissed claims by Paul Gascoigne that Alan Shearer’s blood is black and white. Gascoigne claimed in a barely comprehensible interview that if you cut the new manager of Newcastle, “he’d bleed black and white and that like.”

Hematologist, Dr David Pixton said ” This is an absolute fucking nonsense! It’s common knowledge that blood is red!”

Chris Waddle defended his former England teammate by stating “Gazza may be a little confused and that like! Blood is naturally black inside your system. The protein hemoglobin, which carries oxygen in the blood, changes shape when it binds oxygen. When it changes shape, it absorbs different wavelengths of light, making it change colour. When blood is exposed to air, much more of the hemoglobin absorbs oxygen than had in the vein the blood came from. Therefore, the blood turns red and that like. So he’s correct that Alan’s blood is black, but he does bleed red. Where he got the white stuff from is anybody’s fucking guess and that like.”

Other former England teammates have also jumped to Gazza’s defence “The horseshoe crab has blue blood because they use copper instead of iron and there’s a kind of annelid worm that lives in the sea that has blood that’s purple when it’s oxygenated and that like” pondered Peter Beardsley.