Floyd of the dead

The culinary world was ravaged with shock today as it was revealed that the recently deceased celebrity chef Keith Floyd has risen from the grave to host a new TV show called Floyd Feasts on the Living.

The show which will feature the undead chef cooking up a number of human based treats has been greeted with dismay by a host of TV chefs.

Jamie Oliver was just one chef that has voiced concerns about the content of the show. “Bish bash bosh! I’ve watched a pilot of the show and all it involved was Floyd attacking and eating people. There was very little cooking involved. If you’re going to make a cookery show then surely it should involve some cooking? Maybe if Keith knocked up a nice human with braised white cabbage, bacon and thyme or a chargrilled leg with asparagus, then it’d have some credibility. The bit I watched just involved him gorging on someone’s intestines. He didn’t even use any seasoning! Dib dab dob, wallop!” He argued.

The makers of the show, which is to be screened on Channel 5 from next week, have released a statement saying that the show hasn’t quite gone according to plan.

The statement read:

The show was originally intended to highlight Keith’s talent for cooking and his witty banter with the cameraman. Unfortunately the cameraman soon discovered that Keith was only really interested in satisfying his craving for human flesh. The soundman did try to distract Keith with a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, but unfortunately not before Keith had chewed the cameraman’s arm off. We suggested that he cooked up the arm with some shallots, garlic and a bouquet garni, but he preferred to eat it as it came.

The show airs next Wednesday at 9.00pm on Channel 5

Deutschland awooga alles!

TV and football star John Fashanu is making headlines again and coming back to your screens with a hard hitting new show called Fash in the Attic.

After years battling Tetris addiction the former Gladiators presenter has really pulled himself together with this new masterpiece.

The show that screens on Wednesday nights on channel 5 follows Fash as he takes a hidden camera and hides himself in the attic of the BNP HQ, covertly spying on their daily activities.

Risking his life to bring us this harrowing account the former Wimbledon hardman exposes the shenanigans of the day to day running of probably the most sinister organisation in the world today, the BNP.

Highlights in the first episode include how Fash got in to the HQ and him emotionally kissing his family goodbye. A bizarre scene shows Nick Griffin goose stepping around his boudoir yelling gibberish. A venture in to the secret underground bunker where the BNP’s plans for world domination are exposed. And Fash nearly getting caught when taking a crafty leak in the staff bogs and he has to pretend he’s a bathroom attendant, advising the racists to “freshen up”

Fash in the Attic is on Wednesdays at 8pm on channel five

In tonight’s The Weakest link, Anne Robinson has the nerve to lambast contestants despite the fact that she has a face so ravaged with surgery that when she talks she resembles a ventriloquist that has lost their dummy. Careful not to turn around too quickly, Anne, your heads coming loose. Hugely popular sitcom, My Family, continues to leave us with a cold, dead feeling inside. At 9.00 it’s time for Casualty, a Quiz show where contestants have to guess who will die and how. Featuring a bonus round in which contestants have to figure out how hospital dramas that continually regurgitate the same tired old storylines get on prime time TV.

Over on BBC2, Don’t miss Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and the other one present a show that you can apparently enjoy even if you’re not that fussed about cars. If your idea of fun is watching a shouty haired buffoon whine on about how it’s unfair that he can’t drive at 150mph through a school playgound, then it’s outstanding. You can also spend time trying to work out why Richard Hammond insists on dressing like 15 year old with a haircut that resembles Princess Diana’s after a car crash. That bit where they sit together pretending to have an improvised chat is possibly the most contrived piece of TV you will ever see.

ITV. Unless they’re showing football, then this Channel is an absolute disgrace.Infact even if they are showing football, then it is produced to such a poor standard that you’d rather imagine what’s going on than watch it. If you’re one of those unemployed types that doesn’t see daylight unless it’s signing on day, then you could always watch the Jeremy Kyle repeat in the early hours of the morning. You can always spot the unemployed on their way to sign on, they’re the ones stumbling around with tears streaming down their faces as they try and adjust to the sunlight. Jeremy Kyle’s show consists mostly of lie detector results with a 96% accuracy. This of course means that he stitches up 1 in 25 of the people that appear on his show.

If you like watching people with bad attitudes looking for a house that they can’t possibly afford while Kirsty Alsopp and Phil Spencer have sex in their heads, then flick over to Channel 4 for Location, Location, Location.

Channel 5 will of course feature a plethora of American television shows followed by a phone in quiz show that is designed to seperate the unemployed from their benefits. On the face of it the quiz will appear simple, but infact will be beyond even the finest minds. It will be a quiz of such difficulty that the programme makers might aswell pop round to the participants house, steal all their possessions, take all the food out of their kitchen, beat them up and leave them for dead.

If you’ve got satellite or cable then you can watch repeats of the above.

Retail giants Tesco have announced details of a new advertising campaign that will hit TV screens, billboards and magazines next year. The new campaign will be their most ambitious to date and will cost millions of pounds. Tesco spokesman Brian Page revealed ” We wanted to use someone who best sums up our brand and what we stand for, that’s why we’ve enlisted Satan to head the campaign.” The Dark Prince will be featured in a number of situations that are eventually resolved by products provided by the Supermarket behemoth. Beelzebub revealed ” Tesco have spent lots of time expanding their brand and driving smaller companies out of business. It’ll only be a matter of time before they are the only retail outlet in existence and together we can rule the world.”

ITV are rumoured to be lining up yet another talent show to be aired on Saturday evenings in the summer. The show called Britain’s Got Rabies, will feature 10 successful auditioness battling for a recording contract after being bitten by an infected bat. The hopefuls will sing a number of popular songs as the disease takes hold of their central nervous system.

Living TV are expected to announce that Jade Goody will become Derek Acorah’s new spirit guide when she has passed to the otherside. The terminally ill former Big Brother contestant is rumoured to be excited about the proposal, with a source revealing “Jade has been working tirelessly over the last couple of months, so will take a well earned holiday after her funeral. After that she will be looking for a fresh challenge.”

A statement from representatives of morning TV talk show presenter and baiter of the unemployed, Jeremy Kyle has revealed that he suffers from a condition that means he only sees things in black and white. A spokesman for the condescending buffoon revealed that he has suffered from the condition known as monomania for a number of years. The spokesman said “Relationships can be a complex issue that require weeks, if not months of mediation, with compromises needing to be made on both sides. Jeremy’s condition means that he cannot see beyond his own myopia and dishes out the blame within 5 minutes.” The show uses a lie detector with a 96% accuracy rating in order to expose infidelity. Statistically this means that he stitches up 1 in 25 people that appear on his show. The unreliability of the lie detector has little effect on Kyle’s constricted vision and he will set about his hapless victim with unnecessary venom. Kyle who has battled against a gambling addiction, fronts the show which is sponsored by an online gambling site that sells false hope to his viewers.

Channel 5 have received a number of complaints following an outburst of swearing by one of it’s early morning kids TV presenters. The Irish presenter who’s name cannot be disclosed because I’ve forgotten what it is, unleashed a barrage of potty mouthed toilet words when reading out emails sent in by doting parents. Amongst the outburst was an email congratulating Toby Smythe for as the presenter put it ‘cumming turd’ in the egg and spoon race at the school sports day. He also congratulated Oliver Johnson on his ‘turd birthday.’ Channel 5 have released a statement saying that the matter has been dealt with internally and the presenter in question was made to sit on the naughty step before being sent to bed without milk and biscuits.