Eastenders spin off ‘Gary and Minty’ has been axed after the first episode pulled in just 3000 viewers, many of whom switched off after the opening credits.

The news comes as a major blow to the BBC who had filmed 30 episodes already, and were planning a feature film if viewing figures met their high expectations.

Critics have already panned the show, with Germaine Greer calling it ‘even worse than Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank’, channel 4’s recent reality flop.

Commissioning editor Mark Long defended the show today, fuming that people needed to ‘give it a chance’, and that the plots were set to improve dramatically in the future.

‘The second episode featured Gary and Minty going to the pub, getting drunk, telling each other how much they loved each other, and buying a doner kebab. Unfortunately, nobody will ever get to see this now. You only have yourself to blame’.

Variations on this episode were said to have included chicken doners, a trip to a london club, and a ‘tv spectacular’ where Gary and Minty fall out because Minty forks out for a large shish and can’t afford the taxi fare home.

Rumours of a planned Christmas special, in which Gary suffers the hilarious consequences of too much chilli sauce, have also got many people wondering whether it was too soon to dismiss the series.

In tonight’s The Weakest link, Anne Robinson has the nerve to lambast contestants despite the fact that she has a face so ravaged with surgery that when she talks she resembles a ventriloquist that has lost their dummy. Careful not to turn around too quickly, Anne, your heads coming loose. Hugely popular sitcom, My Family, continues to leave us with a cold, dead feeling inside. At 9.00 it’s time for Casualty, a Quiz show where contestants have to guess who will die and how. Featuring a bonus round in which contestants have to figure out how hospital dramas that continually regurgitate the same tired old storylines get on prime time TV.

Over on BBC2, Don’t miss Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and the other one present a show that you can apparently enjoy even if you’re not that fussed about cars. If your idea of fun is watching a shouty haired buffoon whine on about how it’s unfair that he can’t drive at 150mph through a school playgound, then it’s outstanding. You can also spend time trying to work out why Richard Hammond insists on dressing like 15 year old with a haircut that resembles Princess Diana’s after a car crash. That bit where they sit together pretending to have an improvised chat is possibly the most contrived piece of TV you will ever see.

ITV. Unless they’re showing football, then this Channel is an absolute disgrace.Infact even if they are showing football, then it is produced to such a poor standard that you’d rather imagine what’s going on than watch it. If you’re one of those unemployed types that doesn’t see daylight unless it’s signing on day, then you could always watch the Jeremy Kyle repeat in the early hours of the morning. You can always spot the unemployed on their way to sign on, they’re the ones stumbling around with tears streaming down their faces as they try and adjust to the sunlight. Jeremy Kyle’s show consists mostly of lie detector results with a 96% accuracy. This of course means that he stitches up 1 in 25 of the people that appear on his show.

If you like watching people with bad attitudes looking for a house that they can’t possibly afford while Kirsty Alsopp and Phil Spencer have sex in their heads, then flick over to Channel 4 for Location, Location, Location.

Channel 5 will of course feature a plethora of American television shows followed by a phone in quiz show that is designed to seperate the unemployed from their benefits. On the face of it the quiz will appear simple, but infact will be beyond even the finest minds. It will be a quiz of such difficulty that the programme makers might aswell pop round to the participants house, steal all their possessions, take all the food out of their kitchen, beat them up and leave them for dead.

If you’ve got satellite or cable then you can watch repeats of the above.

Burger on the dancefloor

A new reality show that will use pioneering new liposuction techniques on celebrities is to be aired by Channel 4 in the Autumn. The show titled ‘Celebrity Fat Swap’ will feature celebrities of the calibre of Rik Waller and that woman who was married to Ashley in Corrie, but was murdered by that Richard fella who was knocking about with Gail. The new techniques which will see fat from someone who needs to cut back on the cakes being transferred directly into someone who needs feeding up. The shows producer David Blick explains “When people think of weight problems, they immediately think of hilarious fat pigs waddling about in ill fitting clothes, with pies and cake dripping down their many chins, but people need to realise that freakish looking skinny people also need our attention.”

Dr Phillip Howe, who has pioneered the new techniques said “Normally in liposuction, we suck the fat out and it goes into a bucket. We then sell this on to Anthony Worrall Thompson, who uses it in some of his products. From now on we will transfer the fat directly into underweight people so they don’t look so weird.”

The show which will follow the celebrities before, during and after the operation, has come under criticism from people that have got nothing better do. Susan Willingham who is spokesperson for The Organisation of People Who Have Got Nothing Better To Do, said ” I haven’t watched it but I’m sure I wouldn’t like it!”