“Mummy’s not going to help you do it you thick cunt!”

Shouty-faced celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay’s new show has been axed after he reduced several of the pre-school participants to tears.

The show which was intended for transmission on the BBC’s CBeebies channel has been canned after a number of incidents caught on camera caused complaints from some of the children’s parents who were watching on moniters in a nearby room.

DoTJ has received exclusive footage of the show and can reveal that some of the incidents include…

Ramsay whispering menacingly in 4 year old Toby Harding’s ear “I want you out.”

Pushing 3 year old Jessica Graham into a walk in fridge and shouting “I don’t like bullshitters and you’re the biggest bullshitter I’ve ever met.”

Stopping service and saying “Fucking hell, what’s this shit. All of you get your arses over here! Who cooked this? WHO COOKED IT!” At this point a clearly petrified 4 year old Oliver Smythe whimpers. “It was me chef.” A red-faced and sweaty Ramsay fires back “Taste it! It’s fucking raw, you fat useless cunt!

Ramsay has been criticised for making the menu too complicated for the children, with one critic stating “Aubergine Timbales with Goat’s Cheese and Herb Crusted Rack of Lamb, aren’t really suitable for pre-schoolers. It’s ridiculous to expect them to show the technical ability required for that level of cooking.”

Ramsay hit back at the criticism by slamming “Fuck off, these dishes are so simple even Anthony Worrall Thompson could cook them.”

The dropping of the show has come as a blow to its hosts Big Cook Ben and Little Cook Small. The duo famous for their own CBeebies show Big Cook, Little Cook had hoped that the show would be a ratings hit. Speaking from their cafe, Big Cook Ben said “Ho ho Chef Gordon was really really angry wasn’t he, Small.”

“Fuck off, Ben.” snapped Small.

Balamory,  the flagship show for the BBC children’s channel CBeebies, became the latest programme to come under attack from the Daily Mail yesterday, in an article that claims it is “sick” and “wrong”.

The programme, which has been controversial from its outset, followed a group of sectioned mentally ill patients who had been put on a Scottish Island full of children.

Balamory moves away from the normal reality format, there are no public votes or evictions and no snappy commentary over the top,  something that was important to the producers of the show.

“It was vital to us that the show didn’t degenerate into a tabloid fuelled farce,” explained producer Robert McSporren, defending the show on last night’s Newsnight, “at its heart it’s an experiment to see if the adult participants, the children, and even  the viewers themselves, can gain something from the experience. ”

The adult participants of the show include:

‘Miss Hoolie’, an OCD Schizophrenic who has control issues leading to extreme incidents when she doesn’t feel as if people are listening to her.

‘Archie’, a severe depressive who’s desperation to find meaning in his life leads to obsessive pride in any of his own activities.

And ‘PC Plum’, badly abused as a child, his unquenchable desire for power has led him to believe that he’s a police officer.

The contestants on the show are required to undergo musical therapy sessions behind the scenes, something they utilise on the show whenever they encounter a difficult situation.

Ofcom have revealed they are investigating the programme due to the number of complaints they have received in the last 24 hours. The current run of Balamory is a repeat. The original airing received no complaints.

Andy Day. “It’s okay to be a nerdy bum chum”

Following on from a number of complaints that their children’s TV shows don’t represent the diversity of the UK population, the BBC has announced that it will be changing a number of characters to better reflect the number of minority groups in today’s society.

Popular characters like Postman Pat, Tommy Zoom, Lunar Jim and Mr Tumble, are to be replaced with new characters like AIDS Clown, Homo Hedgehog, Imran the Immigrant and Micky the Mencap Monkey.

CBeebies presenter Andy Day, defended the move. “There’s a lot of bullying going on in schools and this is because kids aren’t taught to be tolerent of those that are deemed different in some way. If we can educate them early enough it will hopefully lessen the cases of bullying in schools. If a bunch of lads see two boys with glasses hanging out together then the likelihood is that they will call them nerdy bum chums, flush their heads down the toilet and accuse them of wanting to bum Mr Nosworthy the science teacher. We want to educate kids that it’s okay to be a nerdy bum chum….although it’s probably best not to bum Mr Nosworthy or any teacher.”

Characters like Homo Hedgehog and his sidekick Bender Badger, will come up against a number of serious issues which will be dealt with in a slapstick fashion as they overcome the villain of the show Homophobic Hippo.

The news has sparked controversy after a number of Daily Mail readers are reported to have exploded upon hearing the news.

The BBC came under fire again today when it was discovered that the first episode of the new Chucklebrothers series will be set during the Rwandan Genocide.

In a change to the current format, the new series sees Paul and Barry disovering a time machine and exploring a different period of history in each episode. Other less controversial episodes see the duo navigate the the Jurassic era, the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, and the first animal to human HIV infection. Many have questioned whether the Genocide episode is a step too far though.

Ainsley Harriot, who plays a Hutu tribal leader, is leading the campaign for the episode to be pulled. He claims to have been tricked into playing the role and that he had no idea of the full extent of the script. He told CBeebies magazine ‘I just assumed that everything was savoury. The Chucklebrothers is a brand you can normally trust. Even when the bodies were being piled up around the set I didn’t think for a second anything was amiss. The two of them are just so disarming’.

The BBC have defended the decision to go ahead with the episode. Barbara Hamilton, the commissioning editor for children’s television, issued this response: ‘Whilst the subject is of course somewhat sensitive, we feel that it provides several classic Chucklebrother comical opportunities whilst also educating children of the horrors that took place’.

Chucklebrothers, ‘Tutsi To You’ airs on BBC1 at 3pm this friday