A government commissioned report has concluded that teachers in England should not be banned from membership of the British National Party or any group which may promote racism.

The news has been welcomed by one of the fifteen teachers who were revealed as BNP members in a leaked list last September.

“It’s true that I belong to a party that actively promotes racism. It is also true that the party have a history of violence, inciting racial hatred and Holocaust denial, but I leave all that behind when I walk through the school gates and treat all the children I teach the same……..Apart from that Josh Hunter lad, he hangs around with girls and acts a bit gay. I can’t be doing with his sort……oh, and those Muslims! Don’t get me started on the Muslims.” He vomited.

The report stated it had only come across nine incidents where teachers making racist remarks or holding racist materials had been referred to the General Teaching Council for England.

“At what point does it become unacceptable?” Said Primary school pupil Oliver Harding, age 6. ” 10? 15? 20 incidents? Quite frankly one is too many. The thought of some crazed right wing buffoon goose stepping through the corridors of the school puking out his vile prejudices towards myself and my fellow pupils sickens me to the very pits of my soul! Whoever wrote this report is the most humongous arse. Now if you don’t mind, the sun is shining, I have a magnifying glass and my friend Toby has discovered an ants nest. I must bid you good day, sir.”

Labour, The Conservatives and Lib Dems have announced that they will consider taking strides to ‘Fascist themselves up’ in an attempt to win back disillusioned voters.

A recent YouGov poll in The Daily Telegraph conducted after last Thursday’s Question Time revealed that 22% of people questioned would “seriously consider” voting BNP.

“The thing about the 3 main parties is that they’re just not Nazi enough” Slammed protest voter Graham Mclaughlin from Norwich. “They harp on about democracy, but I’ve got enough on my plate with the wife and kids to be concerning myself with the democratic process. What the British people want is a Totalitarian dictatorship. That way I can leave it all to the people in charge and if I voice any dissatisfaction then they can lock me up and experiment on me. At least I’ll know where I stand.” He continued.

Government spokesman Clarence Mildew confirmed “We take the concerns of the British public very seriously. We have looked at what the BNP stand for and have tried to adapt that into our own ideology. Should Labour win the next election we will become a single party dictatorship based on the totalitarian and autocratic ideals of national socialism.”

The Lib Dems have also tried to appeal to voters by announcing plans to regulate and restrict free discussion and criticism, increase the use of mass surveillance, and incorporate the widespread use of state terrorism.

The Conservatives have announced that they will set up Death Squads to carry out extrajudicial assassinations upon anyone they consider a threat.

Next up in our spotlight on despotic dreamboats is our very own BNP (British National Pin-up), Naughty Nick Griffin.

50 year old Nick is capable of setting your pulse racing and making you sweat, unfortunately if you’re a muslim this will be because one of his henchman is chasing you with a baseball bat.

Favourite colour: White

Hobbies: Inciting racial hatred and holocaust denial

Turn offs: Foreigners, homosexuals, lefties

Turn ons: Totalitarian, autocratic dictatorships

The BNP and its members were infested with shock today as it was revealed that they have been inundated with applications from ethnic minority groups.

The applications have come flooding in following yesterday’s announcement that the BNP were to amend their constitution so they do not discriminate on grounds of race or religion.

Mr Aaftab Mahmood of Gillingham, explained why he had applied. “I come over ‘ere knicking your jobs! I make no effort to be part of your culture and I can’t even be bothered to speak the language.” He said fluently. “I’m one of them bloody muslims aswell, so the chances are that I’m a baby eating terrorist.” He continued.

Andnej Wojciechowski from Birmingham was also keen to scapegoat himself for all the problems that the country faces. “Send me back to where I came from.” He blasted. ” I work for less money and as a result people from Britain can’t get any work. What does trouble me though is when I’m gone who are the work avoiding white British scum going to blame for everything?” He wondered.

BNP spokesman Chris Roberts said ” The fundamental beliefs of our party and our core principles will never change. All members that are of an ethnic minority will be expected to go out the back and give themselves a good sound kicking.”

Griffin photographed at a campaign to banish black pudding from the full English breakfast

BNP leader, Nick Griffin, has launched his own cookbook which is crammed full of tasty racist recipes. The cookbook entitled ‘Mein Küche’ features recipes such as Hot and Spicy Right Wings and Chicken Swastika Masala

Griffin’s culinary skills are much in demand. This was demonstrated at a recent press conference, on College Green in front of parliament, when a number of people threw ingredients at him in the hope that he would knock up one of his popular dishes

Kevin Scott, the BNP’s North East regional organiser, said “Nick’s an absolute Grand Wizard in the kitchen! His meringues are extraordinary! He tells me that the secret is ensuring that the yolks are segregated from the whites. Any yellow left in will contaminate the whites and stop its glorious uprising.” He also went on to praise some more of Griffins culinary treats ” Words can’t descibe how tasty his Potato Waffens are” He enthused.

Celebrity chefs were quick to condemn the cookbook, with Jamie Oliver blasting “Bloody bish bash bosh! Griffin’s political views are very unpukka. The BNP are like a Billy Ray Cyrus, infecting people with their Pork Pies. It doesn’t matter where people come from! Whether they’re Bacon Sarnie, Jam Roll, Tiddly Winks or a Captain Kirk, we should join together to oppose such a Lester Piggot. Dib dab dob wallop!”

Mein Küche is available now on Totalitarian, autocratic, single party, national socialist dictatorship books. The first 1000 copies come with a free How to prepare and cook a goose step by step guide.

Leader of the BNP, Nick Griffin, was being hailed as a hero last night after he saved a drowning kitten from a pond. The right wing mental case who has a criminal conviction for inciting racial hatred, leant forward across the pond to retrieve the kitten, ignoring the risk of getting his socks and shoes wet. Griffin who is head of the party that lists assault, burglary and car theft amongst its members criminal convictions, brushed off the incident. “I just did what anyone else would do” He said modestly. This was denied by Kevin Scott, the BNP’s North East regional organiser, who said that he would have thrown bricks at it.

The cat’s owner, Mrs Husna Qadir, was full of gratitude for Griffin, ” His party may have a history of violence, with convictions for being in possession of explosives amongst other things, but I think saving Mittens from drowning has shown his softer side.” Editor of Anti-Fascist magazine Searchlight, Nick Lowles said ” Everything that the BNP stands for is abhorrent, we must do all we can to stand against their campaigns of hate!……look at that kitten’s little face though, he’s so cute.”

News that Gordon Brown had rescued a family from the top floor of a block of flats that was engulfed in flames, has not affected his popularity in the polls after it was revealed that the family were gingers.