Ross Kemp poses for a photo at Cherry Tree Wood.
Users have been emailing in recently with sensational photos and stories of celebrities, unbelievably, OUT AND ABOUT in real life situations and doing real life things. Trashy pile of wank ‘Heat Magazine’ has shamefully refused to publish the accounts for fear of libel, but fear not – Guardians of the Truth DOTJ are willing to listen. Here are the latest reports of some of the UK’s megastars and what they have been up to. Keep them coming in.
Joanna Lumley – spotted fellating a Gurkha in the bushes at Hyde Park.
Ken Dodd – seen using a feather duster to polish his crack at Alton Towers.
Jim Bowen – viewed battering a swan to death by the Thames in Windsor.
Lenny Henry – overheard denying that he was black and agreeing with a racist pensioner on the Bakerloo line.
Stephen Hawking – photographed gatecrashing an extreme sports event whilst drunk, and breaking his wheelchair on the half-pipe.
Trevor McDonald – filmed ‘mucking about’ on a climbing frame in Peckham.
Jamie Oliver – seen eating 17 bags of Space Raiders for lunch in the car park at C4 Headquarters.
Madonna – spied jumping the fence at Brampton Manor Comprehensive, and initiating a playground pile on in which one child was seriously damaged.
Jonathan Dimbleby – spotted ‘pissed up’ and ‘moving like a spaz’ on the Dance Revolution arcade machine at Brighton Pier.
Kilroy Silk – caught (again) trying to fuck a vending machine at Golden Lane Leisure Centre.
Cliff Richard – found on e-bay bidding for a rubber fist.
Ross Kemp – spotted at Cherry Tree Wood playing paintball with himself and crying like a girl.
Bill Oddie – snapped wanking into a bird’s nest by a frightened neighbour.
