Drunken revellers in the northern town of Bolton claim to have witnessed a woman sick up the image of Christ outside a kebab shop in the town centre.

The incident which took place at around 1.30 am on Sunday morning has left those present claiming to have witnessed an unpleasant smelling miracle.

The image which was sicked up by 37 year old Kerry Becktash, from the Daubhill area of the town, featured The Last Supper, which is the last meal Jesus shared with his Twelve Apostles and disciples before his death.

“In the bible it says that The Last Supper consisted of bread and wine. The image created by the woman consisted mostly of kebab meat and Bacardi Breezers, but the similarity between it and Da Vinci’s interpretation of the religious snack cannot be denied. ” said one witness.

Miss Becktash, who is well known face around the town’s kebab shops and shit club scene, revealed that the experience has changed her for the good. “I’ve been touched by a few hands in my time, but how many people can say they’ve been touched by the hand of Jesus? It feels like I’ve been given a second chance and I intend to take that chance as soon as the pub opens.” she claimed.

Unfortunately no pictures of the iconic christian puke were captured and the image was destroyed when it was eaten by a tramps dog, leaving just a few traces of salad where Judas Iscariot had been.

How the clergy may look if the Church lets in trannies and gays

The Church has warned that new equality laws could force them to go against their faith.

Despite preaching tolerance and forgiveness, the church are currently able to turn down candidates for jobs as ministers or priests if they are actively homosexual or have changed their gender, or if they are women.

“It clearly states in the bible, No Gays! No Women! No Trannies!” Said Bishop of Chester, Rt Revd Peter Forster. “We’ve also got a team of vicars working around the clock to see if we can find anything in there about blacks aswell.” He added.

The Rt Revd Michael Langrish, Bishop of Exeter and Chair of the Churches Legislation Advisory Service commented “Having to compromise the beliefs of the Christian faith in order to comply with an EU directive makes a mockery of the religion. We simply don’t want any gays, women or trannies working within the church. Paedos, on the other hand, come on in! The more the merrier!”

A statement issued on behalf of the Rt Revd Michael Scott-Joynt, Bishop of Winchester, the Rt Revd Michael Langrish and Rt Revd Peter Forster, read: “The Christian churches, alongside many other faiths, support the Equality Bill’s wider aims in promoting fairness in society and improving redress for those who have suffered unjust treatment. However this fairness does not extend to gays, trannies, women and hopefully blacks. It is important that the church should be able to continue to discriminate against over half of the population, while presenting itself as a moral guide for society.”

A spokesman for gay rights group, Stonewall, adopted a pose in the style of a teapot and said in an extraordinarily camp way “Ooooooooooooooo, what a bitch!”

David of Oxfordshire attempting to heal a blind puppy with leprosy

Conservative Party leader, David Cameron has made the shock claim that he is The Son of God, and that he now wishes to be referred to as David Christ or David of Oxfordshire.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazereth hit back at the claim stating “God gets this sort of stuff quite a lot. People are always trying to cash in on his popularity by claiming they are his son. We had it with David Koresh, David Shayler and David Icke. We’re starting to think it’s a David thing.”

Cameron, however, is adamant that he is The Messiah. ” You just have to compare our lives! The similarities are undeniable.” He lied.

“Jesus’s foster father, Joseph worked as a carpenter. Mine employed some carpenters to do some work at our house in Peasemore. In The Bible, Mark describes Jesus as a heroic, charismatic man of action and mighty deeds. I don’t think I need to say anymore.” He excreted

ROSWL (Repeating One Swear Word Loudly) spokesman, Alan Great, hit back at Cameron’s assessment of his abilities by repeatedly shouting “COCK!” In Mr Cameron’s face until he fell to his knees, adopted the foetal position and wept continously for a period of 18 hours, breaking the World record previously held by Michael Barrymore.

Baldwin preaching at an oven chip convention

Hallelujah! Welcome disciples, it is I Stephen Baldwin, here to help you believe in the Lord and to lay before you a path leading to Heaven. It may be a steep climb for some of you, but believe me it will be a path worth walking.

Let me ask you a question. What keeps you alive every day? What’s the one thing you’d need most, right now, if I took it away? That’s right, it’s oxygen. How do you know it’s called oxygen? See, somebody told you that oxygen was called oxygen, the thing you need the most. Well, guess what? Somebody told you that the words in The Bible are true, and you went, ‘I don’t believe it.’ But you’ll believe oxygen!

Now some people might say ‘But Stephen, there is scientific evidence to support the existence of oxygen, but there is no evidence to support the word of The Bible. To that I say BURN THEM! Because they are in league with The Dark Prince. Disbelievers will be punished! God is a vengeful God and ye shall be punished if you doubt his word despite a lack of any evidence to support it. You must believe blindly or ye shall be blinded by his fury!

Brothers, sisters, I don’t believe in evolution. See, because here’s my problem. Evolution means that something has become something from something else. Correct? OK, so my question is, if we’re from apes, why are the apes still here? If we evolved from apes, they would have died off.

Some people might answer that evolutionary science doesn’t actually say that we are from apes, but that apes and ourselves share a distant common ancestor. They might go on to explain that the reason apes haven’t died off is because they too are infact evolving, just differently from humans.

To these people I would say BURN, BURN, BURN in the fiery pits of Hell. BURN the heretics! BURN the unbelievers. God will smite you on your satanic ass! He will bring forth wrath upon your friends and family, for God is a vengeful God and your going to be pulling smite and wrath out of your ass for weeks.

What my faith requires is that if I, my wife and my two kids were sitting on a public bus, and somebody came on with a machine-gun and pointed it at my daughter and said to her, ‘Say Jesus doesn’t exist’… If she turned to me and said, ‘What do I do?’, I’d say, ‘What have I taught you to do?’ And she’d say, ‘Jesus absolutely exists’, and I’d see her in heaven.

Some people might say ‘Stephen, you are absolutely fucking crazy’, I’d say you’re darned tootin I’m crazy. I’m crazy for the love of our Lord.

“Alwiiight, darlin’. Abortions? Yeah, just down there passed the fish fingers.”

The 4 major supermarket chains have announced new additions to their budget ranges as they battle for retail supremacy.

Tesco have announced Tesco value funerals, Asda have weighed in with Asda Smartprice Coronary artery by-pass surgery. Sainsbury’s have announced Sainsbury’s basic abortions and Morrisons are giving cancer-stricken members of the public the opportunity to have Morrison’s value Chemotherapy.

Tesco have come under criticism for the quality of the funerals that retail at £39.99, with some people claiming that they had to deliver the corpses of their deceased loved ones at a drop off point next to the meat counter. Tesco hit back at the claims with a spokesman stating “We can categorically state that the corpses are not used in any of our pork products like our delicious Tesco value sausages that are currently on special offer at £1.99 for 300 with a free jar of Sausage tonight.

Sainsbury’s decision to offer cut price abortions has come under fire from pro-life and religious groups who claim that the supermarket retailers are making it too easy for women to terminate their pregnancies. Pro-life spokeswoman Jennifer Bible said “It’s a sad day when you can make arrangements to murder an unborn child at the same time as buying spaghetti hoops and cheese strings.”

Face of Sainsbury’s, fat tongued celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver, defended the abortions. “Times are hard at the moment, these girls can’t always afford the private clinics to carry out these procedures. With Sainsbury’s they get the job done with less strain on the old purse strings, bish bash bosh dib dab dob wallop!” He said.

Feeling the pinch

Omnipresent superbeing, God, has sent shockwaves through the religion industry by announcing bishop cuts in the Church of England sector.

Official God spokesman, Jesus of Nazareth, defended the move stating “The value of The Church of England’s investment portfolio fell to £4.4bn last year from £5.7bn in 2007. God has to start taking action whether it is popular or not. God’s word is final! It is not for people to judge but to obey without question. God is capable of some serious smiting with extra wrath if people go against his will!

God has also instructed churchgoers to dig deeper with their donations as he sees his profits dwindle in the current recession. “If people think that putting 20p in the collection plate is going to save them from eternal torment in the fiery pits of hell then they better bloody well think again! God has decided on a £100 minimum with an option for paying in easy monthly installments.” Jesus continued.

A group set up by Clergy to oppose the cuts called Vicars Against God’s Increasingly Negative Approach (VAGINA), has called on Christians everywhere to join them in a day of protest against the job losses. VAGINA spokesman Reverend Dr David Pixton said ” God has lost sight of his own message. I know the Bible is full of contradictions, but this is taking the absolute fucking piss!” He slammed.

“I heard that!” replied God.

Transylvanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls, have launched a blistering attack on Christianity and other religions, labelling The Bible a “fucking fairytale”. The outburst on GMTV, left host Lorraine Kelly crippled with shock.

One half of the duo, Gabriela Irimia, who was engaged to wonky-faced Lib-Dem MP Limp Bizkit, said “Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the general message of the Christian faith. I just don’t get how people fuck with it to suit their own purpose. I mean where in the Bible does it say ‘Blow the shit out of things and kill innocent people’? I know it says ‘An eye for an eye’ but it also says ‘Thou shalt not kill’. It gives people license to do what the fuck they want, so how can it be described as some kind of moral guide?”

Monica (the other one) also questioned The Qu’ran “How come people interpret it so differently? Some will read it and commit to a peaceful existence, where they tolerate and respect other religions and cultures. Others will fly planes into buildings and blow the fuck out of anything that goes against what they believe. They’re both reading the same text, so why do they practice what it teaches in such vastly different ways? They should simplify all religious text down to 3 words ‘Love, respect, tolerance. That would put an end to any confusion.”

The duo also criticised people who are quick to complain if anyone questions the validity of religion “If someone says anything negative about religion on TV, then the switchboards are jammed with Christians or whoever, whining on about how people shouldn’t disrespect their faith. You don’t get physicists phoning up after some vicar spouts off on Songs of Praise. If you believe in your God, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else says or does” They said simultaneously.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, condemned the comments “To attack people’s beliefs in such a venomous way is far from cheeky! Infact I’d go as far to say it’s downright rude. There’s a big difference between imploring men to touch their bottoms, and such vitriolic blashphemy. I suggest they consider changing their name immediately to something more befitting like Satan’s whores.” He quipped.

Jesus of Holby City

A Bristol man who lost his penis after the car he was driving collided with a church, has told how the experience helped him find Jesus.

Malcolm Munn who suffered the accident in December 2008, says that having his penis and scrotum ripped from his body as a result of the impact of the collision, was the best thing that has ever happened to him. Mr Munn’s penis was eventually found in the font of St Bartholamew’s Church in Bristol, and his scrotum came to rest on a 6ft statue of The Virgin Mary.

“Every morning when I wake up, I praise the Lord that I no longer have any genitals to lead me down a road of temptation. My penis has been replaced by Jesus. Time that I would have normally spent satisfying my unholy sex cravings, I now spend spreading the Lord’s message of love, forgiveness, tolerance and not being gay.” He preached.

After the accident, doctors did attempt to reattach Mr Munn’s Genitals, after the vicar of the church wrapped the penis and scrotum in a bag of frozen battered chicken dippers, but this proved fruitless. “When I regained consciousness, I immediately felt a burning sensation surging through me. The doctors said this would subside once the stitches came out, but I new it was Jesus’ love I was feeling.” He gushed.

Mr Munn has now set up his own church where he claims to speak directly with Jesus. “Jesus has told me that we must be tolerant of others and forgive people their sins, unless they’re gay. The thought of men moaning with ecstacy as they sex each other up, with their muscular frames glistening with sweat as they indulge themselves in a daisy chain of sodomy, is something that makes Jesus really erm..bloody angry.” He said.

Christ on a bike

Republican’s have reacted angrily to suggestions that the core message of the bible is one of love, peace, forgiveness and understanding, by revealing plans to re-write the bible.

The writings are to be called The All New Testament, and are to be released in conjunction with a film about Jesus and the 12 deciples called Jesus and The Dirty Dozen.

Republican spokesman Hank Taylor said “The bible has become outdated. We need to bring it in line with modern thinking.”

The book which will replace the more traditional view of Jesus as having long hair, beard and wearing robes, with a military look short back and sides and a dirty vest, with Vin Diesel rumoured to be taking the lead in the movie adaptaption.

One notable difference in the re-working involves who killed Jesus and the method of execution. In the original it is suggested that Jesus was flogged and Crucified by Roman soldiers. In the re-make the idea is put forth that Jesus was actually killed by Russians in a bloody gunfight in a casino just outside Golgotha.

Leaked passages from the yet to be released All New Testament include:

AL 1:40,41 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

And Jesus, moved forward, put forth his hand, pointed, and saith unto him, ” This fucker’s got the lurgy! Torch him.”

James, Son of Zebedee, steppeth forth and with his holy flamethrower did proceed to fry the leper to a crisp.

Jesus raised his hands into the air and sayeth ” Yeah, barbecued leper all round!”

And lo, the first Macdonalds was born. The disciples did rejoice and did feast upon the leper in a seasame seed bun, stopping half way to remove the gherkins and throw them under the table.

The All new Testament is released on Hysteria books in Feb 2009. The film Jesus and the Dirty Dozen is scheduled for release in the summer of 2009. An audio book of the All New Testament read by Steven Seagal is also scheduled for release sometime in 2009