The BBC has hit back at claims by The Church of England’s Synod, that it doesn’t produce enough religious programmes.

“Quite frankly, The Church of England can go fuck itself!” Said a BBC spokesman. “If they want to increase the amount of religious programming then maybe they should set up their own channel with the billions of pounds they’ve got tucked away.” He added.

The BBC has also claimed that religious programming is actually increasing despite the Church’s claim, “We have a number of shows in the pipeline that have a religious content,” a spokewoman said. “A drama about a couple of crime-solving nuns that don’t play it by the book, called Hard Habit, is close to completion. We also have Priests on ice, cookery show Priests Feasts and a religious quiz show called The Contradiction Game.” She continued.

A Synod spokesman complained “The BBC is taking an increasingly negative approach to it’s religious programming. It is important that the views of the church are held up as more important than everyone else. Dates of huge christian significance seem to be ignored by the BBC and that isn’t acceptable.”

A recent study has shown that people who lend significance to dates from a christian perspective are usually in church practicing their faith accordingly. People that aren’t in church tend to want to watch Star Wars or Jaws and fall asleep with a can of lager in their lap.

Women, Gays, Foreigners, we’ve all had to endure them at some point. To make this a more positive experience for everyone, I’ve teamed up with my good friends at Dawn of the Jed, to bring you a guide to treating everyone with respect, regardless of whether they’re a nuffta, slag or a terrorist.

I have absolutely nothing against women as long as they’re either cooking my dinner or sucking my cock. Unfortunately this kind of attitude is frowned upon in the workplace, so here’s how to come across as respectful.

There’s nothing women like more than to be paid a compliment, and I’ve had 4 wives, so I know exactly what I’m talking about.

It doesn’t take much time or effort to pay someone a compliment and it can brighten up their day and lift the mood within the working environment.

If you see a woman looking a bit down and you think they need a boost then a “Nice tits” or if they’re bending down a “While you’re down there” comment is guaranteed to put a smile on their face.

Also some women say no when they actually mean yes. If you think one needs cheering up then ask them out for a drink. Show you’re a modern guy by insisting she gets a round in when it’s her turn. If she refuses then whatever you do don’t give up.

Jim’s top tip

Never take no for an answer

I’ve absolutely nothing against gays as long as they don’t force it upon me. I’d go as far to say that they should do it behind closed doors, with all the lights turned out and they should most definitely never mention it in public.

The thought of men joined in some sordid daisy chain of sodomy, thrusting, licking, probing…. their muscular frames glistening with sweat as they…….yeah, anyway it makes me sick to my stomach!

Gays love it if you mimic them. Walk behind them with one hand on your hip and the other held out like the spout on a teapot and you can’t go wrong. Simple etiquette doesn’t go amiss either. When you see a gay approaching always ensure that you put your back to the wall and announce that you’re going to do this to signal that you’ve seen them.

I’ve absolutely nothing against foreigners as long as they stay foreign in their own bloody country!

If you work with anyone that’s foreign then laughter is something that unites everyone. If one turns up wearing a rucksack then make a point of diving for cover. They’re bound to see the funny side.

If you work with a foreigner it’s always good to show a knowledge of their country. If they’re Indian call them Gupta, If they are Jamaican call them Winston, if they are Paki…..stani call them Abdul. They will appreciate this and it will give a feeling of camaraderie.

there’s not a lot I don’t know about dealing with the disabled. I once hosted a pilot for a game show called Wheelchair of Fortune. It was a bit like Gladiators, but with paraplegics. For some reason the BBC didn’t want to know.

It’s worth noting that being disabled is not always a disadvantage. I mean look at Jim Branning in Eastenders. It can’t take him long to learn his lines and I bet he gets paid a tidy sum into the bargain.

Lets face it all you want is someone that can do the job, not a bloody fire hazard, but there are a number of different disabilities that people suffer from and these differences can have a varying impact upon the workplace. I’ll deal with some of them today.

Deafness

As I mentioned earlier, one thing that unites everyone is humour. If you work with someone that is hard of hearing then everytime they ask you something or talk to you, look at your watch and say “Half past four”. They love that joke. Infact I’d go as far to say that the more you do it the funnier they’ll find it.

Physically Handicapped

The physically handicapped always like to know that you realise they are there. With this in mind it is always advised that you speak loudly and slowly when talking to them. If they are being wheeled about by someone, then speak to them instead, this will prevent the handicapped person getting too overloaded with information that they probably can’t cope with.

Psychiatric problems

I really can’t over emphasise the importance of using humour to help someone become part of the workplace. People with mental issues love a good joke to lighten the mood. If you’re sat at your desk and you see someone who has these problems approaching, say in a loud whisper “Shhhhhhh, they’re coming.” Trust me they’ll crack up…quite literally!

One thing that bonds all disabled folk is that they want people to think that they are human. Hopefully these tips will help you to view them that way.

That’s all for now, but if you want some more hints and tips then you can order my Diversity Awareness Training video from Burning cross films at £9.99

The entertainment world was reeling last night after it was revealed that National Lottery presenter, Jenni Falconer, wipes her anus after she defecates. The news comes as a blow to BBC bosses, who are already under fire from license payers after a series of scandals involving highly paid BBC stars. Outraged viewers have jammed the BBC switchboard to vent their disgust at the latest revelation, with many calling for the resignation of Director General Mark Thompson.

Margeret Rinse, spokeswoman for The Campaign for Decency and Capital Punishment, said “The thought that this woman could be appearing on our TV screens moments after her fingers have come into close proximity with her anus is disgusting! It is entirely possible that on occasion her fingers may have gone through the toilet paper and she may even have got excrement on her hands.”

A BBC spokesman has pledged that they will make every effort to clean up their act “We can only apologise to viewers for Jenni Falconer’s actions. She has been suspended from the show while we conduct an investigation into this and a seperate allegation that she said the words ’shitty twat bollocks’ after burning her hand on a baking tray when taking a pizza out of the oven at her house.”

Vernon Kay and Tess Daly, who shocked viewers by appearing on screen together despite previously having had sex in the privacy of their bedroom, have been sacked from their Friday night primetime quiz show Fuck That Tune.

The BBC came under fire again today when it was discovered that the first episode of the new Chucklebrothers series will be set during the Rwandan Genocide.

In a change to the current format, the new series sees Paul and Barry disovering a time machine and exploring a different period of history in each episode. Other less controversial episodes see the duo navigate the the Jurassic era, the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, and the first animal to human HIV infection. Many have questioned whether the Genocide episode is a step too far though.

Ainsley Harriot, who plays a Hutu tribal leader, is leading the campaign for the episode to be pulled. He claims to have been tricked into playing the role and that he had no idea of the full extent of the script. He told CBeebies magazine ‘I just assumed that everything was savoury. The Chucklebrothers is a brand you can normally trust. Even when the bodies were being piled up around the set I didn’t think for a second anything was amiss. The two of them are just so disarming’.

The BBC have defended the decision to go ahead with the episode. Barbara Hamilton, the commissioning editor for children’s television, issued this response: ‘Whilst the subject is of course somewhat sensitive, we feel that it provides several classic Chucklebrother comical opportunities whilst also educating children of the horrors that took place’.

Chucklebrothers, ‘Tutsi To You’ airs on BBC1 at 3pm this friday