A government commissioned report has concluded that teachers in England should not be banned from membership of the British National Party or any group which may promote racism.

The news has been welcomed by one of the fifteen teachers who were revealed as BNP members in a leaked list last September.

“It’s true that I belong to a party that actively promotes racism. It is also true that the party have a history of violence, inciting racial hatred and Holocaust denial, but I leave all that behind when I walk through the school gates and treat all the children I teach the same……..Apart from that Josh Hunter lad, he hangs around with girls and acts a bit gay. I can’t be doing with his sort……oh, and those Muslims! Don’t get me started on the Muslims.” He vomited.

The report stated it had only come across nine incidents where teachers making racist remarks or holding racist materials had been referred to the General Teaching Council for England.

“At what point does it become unacceptable?” Said Primary school pupil Oliver Harding, age 6. ” 10? 15? 20 incidents? Quite frankly one is too many. The thought of some crazed right wing buffoon goose stepping through the corridors of the school puking out his vile prejudices towards myself and my fellow pupils sickens me to the very pits of my soul! Whoever wrote this report is the most humongous arse. Now if you don’t mind, the sun is shining, I have a magnifying glass and my friend Toby has discovered an ants nest. I must bid you good day, sir.”

The World was gripped with excitement today after the US space agency’s Stardust spacecraft found some dust.

Reports of massive surges in electricity and large crowds gathering outside electrical stores are commonplace as people huddle around TV screens to get news of the incredible discovery.

“We’re cautiously excited,” said scientist Dr Andrew Westphal. “The dust is a very fine-grained material!” He announced to cheering reporters.

Neville Beige, Editor of What Dust? magazine said “This is incredible news! If scientists can discover dust, then who knows what else could be out there. Maybe in my lifetime we’ll discover some space fluff.”

Such a suggestion will be exciting news for readers of Fluff World magazine.

Scientists have called for calm, stating that the discovery could be ‘a false alarm’. ” We have very limited data on it so far. It’s possible that after tests have been carried out that it could turn out to be grit.”

Excited crowds were only to eager to express their joy to anyone that would listen. “It’s such a relief to know that all the billions of pounds that we spend on exploring space hasn’t gone to waste.” said Haitian, Fedji Wilsen, standing next to a pile of decomposing corpses.

Some handcarts similar to the ones that were all going to hell in

A new study carried out by a group of bitter, red faced angry men has revealed that the entire nation is going to hell in a handcart.

One member of the group, who holds the world record for saying the phrase ‘nanny state’ the most times in one minute, said “I’m sick of it! If I want to drive my Range Rover at 80mph through a children’s playground then I should be able to do so. All this talk of global warming is a government cover up. It’s not greenhouse gases that are ruining our planet! It’s some other stuff that I read about on the internet the other day. I can’t remember the details…… hang on I’ll send you a link.”

The group, who despite leading comfortable lifestyles are jealous of the poor and needy, have urged the population to stand up to what they have described as ‘political correctness gone mad’.

“These days you can’t even say blackboard, sing Ba ba bastard or make monkey noises at football matches!” Claimed one while clutching his chest and loosening his tie.

Another laid the blame squarely at the foot of Quangos. “I’m not sure whereabouts on the atlas Quang is, but we need to start shutting the doors and stop letting them in.” He puked.

The group have also expressed their anger at being denied planning permission to turn Belgium into an enormous bunker to hide in until everything is safe.

Dragons’ Den entrepreneur Peter Jones was declared bankrupt today after admitting that his latest investment had sold twelve units since its release in January.

The auto-fellatio machine ‘Autofucker 5000′ was widely ridiculed by the other dragons when Mark Davis presented it on the show in the last series.

Their concerns were ignored by Jones however, and to the amazement of his associates, he coughed up the entire £4,000,000 on his own.

Since investing, he has not been seen in public and friends have expressed their concerns about his well-being.

‘He spends all day and night alone in his garage with the machine’ his mother told Heat magazine after she broke the silence when he didn’t turn up for Christmas.

‘It’s just not like him. I think he’s completely lost the plot. He’s boarded it up now but before he did so I managed to have a sneaky look through the garage window. There were bizarre scribblings all over the wall, lit candles, and empty bottles of Viagra on the floor. I really think he needs professional help’.

Jones is rumoured to have invested a further £10,000,000 of his own money on marketing and manufacturing costs in order to perfect the design.

Along with the £14 million deficit from bringing it to market, he has also had to fork out millions more in lawsuits from the 12 buyers, all of whom suffered horrific injuries from using it.

Alan Chapman from Leeds ended up hospitalised and under arrest for indecent exposure when his chair broke free from its base. He was dragged 2 miles through Littlehampton where he finally came to rest on a school playing field.

Others have suffered broken backs, emotional trauma from being caught using the device, and self-suck addiction. One user ended up stealing from his family in order to pay for batteries.

The other Dragons have offered to help get Peter started in business again, but only on the condition that he burns all the machines and documentation relating to them.

John Torode and Gregg Wallace hide behind some parsley after hearing about the jihad

Libya’s Muammar Gaddafi has called for a jihad, or holy war, against Masterchef, after describing its hosts John Torode and Gregg Wallace as ‘the most enormous wankers.’

The jihad happy Libyan leader’s comments come just a few days after he called for a holy war on Switzerland, and just weeks after issuing a fatwā on Match of The Day pundit Mark Lawrenson.

Both the European Union and the United Nations hit out at Gaddafi’s comments against Switzerland, but they were united in their praise for his latest attack on the prime time cookery contest aired on Friday nights on BBC1.

“If these reports are correct, then it’s great news, those pricks do my head in,” a spokesman for Baroness Ashton, the EU’s foreign policy representative, said.

Gaddafi called for the jihad while hosting the Libyan game show The Price is Human Rights. “if Masterchef was on our borders, we would fight it,” he said before moving on to the Showcase Showdown.

Mark Lawrenson, who has been in hiding since Gaddafi issued a fatwā on him, has issued the following statement;

Well, John, despite Gaddafi saying he wanted to see my head impaled on a spike, a fatwā isn’t necessarily a death threat. I’m sure the 2 Alans will agree when I say millions of fatwā have been issued over the 1,400 year history of Islam, most likely dealing with issues faced by Muslims in their daily life, such as the customs of marriage, financial affairs, female circumcision or moral questions. Back to Gary in the studio.

“Cerburus, I command thee!

Gordon Brown has strongly denied unleashing the ‘forces of hell’ on Alistair Darling, after the Chancellor revealed that a 3 headed dog kept him indoors for an entire weekend.

Mr Darling said No 10 and the Tories had given him “a weekend you could have done without” after he had forecast the worst recession for 60 years, in 2008.

Mr Brown told GMTV ” I would never instruct Cerburus to inflict destruction upon Mr Darling. Anyway, if I did summon him up then who do you think would be guarding the gates of Hades? People would be crossing the river Styx, willy nilly. It’s just not workable.”

Mr Darling claimed in an interview that the 3 headed hound had made a mockery of his pogonias and that it took him 2 hours to coax his cat down from a cherry tree by his shed.

Celebrity gardener, Alan Titchmarsh was sympathetic to Mr Darling’s plight. “The hounds of hell can wreak havoc on flower beds and on other types of landscaping plants. If it happens again I’d suggest Jumping at the dogs, making a loud noise and squirting them with a small spray bottle filled with water. Do this whenever you see the dogs in your flower bed and they will learn not to go in that area.”

A Conservative spokesman dribbled: “The fact that Gordon Brown is prepared to unleash a mythological beast to open up a world of devastation in his chancellor’s garden, speaks volumes. Surely Mr Brown should put on his gardening gloves and take up his trowel and right his wrongs!”

Following Conservative claims that over half of the nations teenagers are pregnant, a new DoTJ survey has revealed that 54% of the readers of right-wing newspaper, The Daily Mail, are terrified of going outdoors.

The survey will come as a blow to conservatives who are relying on the readers of the newspaper to pluck up the courage to wade through the decaying streets full of terrorists, paedophiles and single mothers, to cast their vote at the next election.

A spokesman for the Tory supporting paper said “The plan to make our readers so scared and paranoid that they became so totally confused and desperate that they would vote Conservative at the next election may have backfired. It would appear that our readers are shit scared of everything.” He admitted.

One reader who beat himself to a pulp after he thought his reflection in the mirror was an intruder, has been released from hospital, but will face criminal charges for using excessive force.

Another reader that we spoke to through their letterbox said “Arrrrggghhhhh! Go away! I’m not in.” He then sprayed mace at us and lay curled up in his hallway breathing into a paper bag.

In another Daily Mail related incident, a Cotswold newsagent has been arrested after it was alledged that he booby-trapped a copy of The Guardian with a bear trap.

Mr Jeremy Hunter, is accused of setting the trap on the one copy of the lefty newspaper that he had in stock, and then lying in wait behind the 2000 copies of The Daily Mail that he had stacked next to it in the hope of, as he put it, “Catching me a communist.”

False limbs expert faces disciplinary hearing

False limbs expert, Malcolm Griffiths, is due to appear before a disciplinary committee following allegations that he fitted a left prosthetic foot to a man’s right leg.

Patrick Morrison, 76, had a left foot attached after his right foot had been removed.

“I knew something wasn’t right when I kept walking around in circles, ” Said Mr Morrison. “I’d always been a keen dancer, but I was doing a rumba, and I was all over the place.” He continued through tears.

It is also alleged Mr Griffiths failed to spot his error at two later check-ups, despite Mr Morrison entering his office at a funny angle and then walking into the wall.

Horror film causes panic

Parents and politicians in Italy have been infested with outrage after reports that a number of cinema- goers have suffered panic attacks after US horror film Paranormal Activity, was released without any age restrictions.

Amongst the reports are claims that a 14 year old girl was left literally frozen with terror. The girl was removed from the auditorium by an usherette and defrosted using a hand dryer in the ladies toilet.

Internet rumours that the footage used in the film is actually real, have heightened cases of bedwetting, especially in southern Naples.

‘Fembot’ targets lonely internet users

Lonely internet users are being warned over a new piece of malicious software called Fembot, that pretends to be a woman on instant messaging services.

The software, which is also referred to as Hobot, has become so advanced that it can actually tailor discussions based on information that they are receiving.

One lonely user who was duped by the cyberscam said “It all seemed so real. She seemed to know what I was thinking. She knew everything about Star Trek and Dr Who. She even spoke Klingon! Infact I forgive her! I want us to be married, if she’ll have me.”

The BBC has hit back at claims by The Church of England’s Synod, that it doesn’t produce enough religious programmes.

“Quite frankly, The Church of England can go fuck itself!” Said a BBC spokesman. “If they want to increase the amount of religious programming then maybe they should set up their own channel with the billions of pounds they’ve got tucked away.” He added.

The BBC has also claimed that religious programming is actually increasing despite the Church’s claim, “We have a number of shows in the pipeline that have a religious content,” a spokewoman said. “A drama about a couple of crime-solving nuns that don’t play it by the book, called Hard Habit, is close to completion. We also have Priests on ice, cookery show Priests Feasts and a religious quiz show called The Contradiction Game.” She continued.

A Synod spokesman complained “The BBC is taking an increasingly negative approach to it’s religious programming. It is important that the views of the church are held up as more important than everyone else. Dates of huge christian significance seem to be ignored by the BBC and that isn’t acceptable.”

A recent study has shown that people who lend significance to dates from a christian perspective are usually in church practicing their faith accordingly. People that aren’t in church tend to want to watch Star Wars or Jaws and fall asleep with a can of lager in their lap.

Reports are coming in that John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy. We take a look at who will replace Terry and lead the squad to victory at the World Cup this summer.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams

Chances of sleeping with teamate’s wives and girlfriends. As Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Williams is unlikely to get involved with any sexing about, so Capello and the English public can feel confident that he’ll keep his energies for chasing lost causes into the opposition half as opposed to skirt into nightclubs.

Chances of sleeping with elderly prostitutes The Archbishop would probably be sympathetic to the plight of prostitutes and would maybe offer them spiritual guidance and pray for them. Therefore the chances of him being snapped leaving a brothel at 2 in the morning with a Tena lady stuck to his face are remote.

Chances of getting into a nightclub brawl. Dr Williams is unlikely to spend his time in nightclubs and is more likely to stay indoors and have a good old pray. If he did fancy taking the players out on a team building exercise, he’d probably take them to a museum or a medieval folly. If a risk of violence did arise, a group pray would quell the situation.

Chances of not turning up for a drug test Dr Williams, or Willsy as his team mates might call him, is probably an excellent time keeper and wouldn’t be phased by moving house. The likelihood is that he wouldn’t need any performancing enhancing drugs as God is his drug, and as yet God is not a banned substance in football.

Footballing ability The one area where Dr Williams may be found wanting, but no-one really gives a fuck about that, I mean it’s only the World fucking Cup after all. Who the fuck looks up to players as moral guides anyway. “But they’re an example to our kids.” Shut the fuck up! You’re an example to your kids! It’s your job to teach them right from wrong, not John fucking Terry!

Next week we assess whether Archbishop of York, John Sentamu could do a job on the left of England’s midfield.