The MoD has released the latest batch of UFO files and amongst them is compelling evidence of extra terrestrial encounters that took place between 1994 to 2000.

The MoD intends to make public the files for the last 10 years by the end of 2011.

We take a look at some of the drawings that have been sent to The Ministry of Defence UFO desk, known as Air Secretariat 2A1.

The first picture was sent in by Mr Richard Ifil of Carlisle, who said that he spotted this extra terrestrial taking advantage of his local skateboard park. Mr Ifil wrote in a letter that accompanied the drawing ‘ I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! Not only did he do a Triple 360 flip, but he followed it up with a 720 from fakie grabbing Mute.’

The next picture was sent by Mrs Margaret Heaton of Colchester, who witnessed these strange beings from her bedroom window. Mrs Heaton described the experience as ‘incredible’.

It was lucky that Mrs Heaton had her crayons to hand to draw this remarkable picture.

This extraordinary image was sent in by Mr Daniel Dyer of London. Mr Dyer explained ‘I’d been for a few Britneys with some mates, I turned the corner and I couldn’t Adam and Eve it! A whole bunch of facking spaceships, right there in front of me mince pies. This alien jumps out and starts getting a bit Billie Piper so I jumps on a nearby Dick Van Dyke and got the fack out of it. It was propa Mariah Carey, I can tell ya!’

The last picture that we’ll take a look at was drawn by a Mr David Pleat. He claims that he was driving very slowly through a red light district when this strange creature tapped on his window. He claims that the creature tried to communicate with him, asking him telepathically whether he was ‘looking for business’. He said that he was powerless to resist and ended up giving the Alien a total of £125 before the creature shoved some kind of probe up his arse.

Baldwin preaching at an oven chip convention

Hallelujah! Welcome disciples, it is I Stephen Baldwin, here to help you believe in the Lord and to lay before you a path leading to Heaven. It may be a steep climb for some of you, but believe me it will be a path worth walking.

Let me ask you a question. What keeps you alive every day? What’s the one thing you’d need most, right now, if I took it away? That’s right, it’s oxygen. How do you know it’s called oxygen? See, somebody told you that oxygen was called oxygen, the thing you need the most. Well, guess what? Somebody told you that the words in The Bible are true, and you went, ‘I don’t believe it.’ But you’ll believe oxygen!

Now some people might say ‘But Stephen, there is scientific evidence to support the existence of oxygen, but there is no evidence to support the word of The Bible. To that I say BURN THEM! Because they are in league with The Dark Prince. Disbelievers will be punished! God is a vengeful God and ye shall be punished if you doubt his word despite a lack of any evidence to support it. You must believe blindly or ye shall be blinded by his fury!

Brothers, sisters, I don’t believe in evolution. See, because here’s my problem. Evolution means that something has become something from something else. Correct? OK, so my question is, if we’re from apes, why are the apes still here? If we evolved from apes, they would have died off.

Some people might answer that evolutionary science doesn’t actually say that we are from apes, but that apes and ourselves share a distant common ancestor. They might go on to explain that the reason apes haven’t died off is because they too are infact evolving, just differently from humans.

To these people I would say BURN, BURN, BURN in the fiery pits of Hell. BURN the heretics! BURN the unbelievers. God will smite you on your satanic ass! He will bring forth wrath upon your friends and family, for God is a vengeful God and your going to be pulling smite and wrath out of your ass for weeks.

What my faith requires is that if I, my wife and my two kids were sitting on a public bus, and somebody came on with a machine-gun and pointed it at my daughter and said to her, ‘Say Jesus doesn’t exist’… If she turned to me and said, ‘What do I do?’, I’d say, ‘What have I taught you to do?’ And she’d say, ‘Jesus absolutely exists’, and I’d see her in heaven.

Some people might say ‘Stephen, you are absolutely fucking crazy’, I’d say you’re darned tootin I’m crazy. I’m crazy for the love of our Lord.

For fuck’s sake ref/opposition player/one of our players. Delete as applicable

The draw has been made and England now know who they will face in the group stage of the biggest tournament in the Galaxy. But what everyone is asking themselves is ‘Who are we going to blame when England get knocked out in the quarter final on penalties?’

Today we are going to take a look back over past tournaments to remind ourselves of how we were robbed of what is rightfully ours and who we scapegoated.

Not Maradona, but God scored Argentina’s first. Fair play for the second though

1986: It’s the quarter finals and England face arch enemy Argentina.

Argentina take the lead with a hotly disputed goal that appears to have been handled into the England net by Diego Maradona. Argentina went two up with a wonder goal that Maradona took the credit for, much to God’s annoyance. England pulled one back but ultimately that first goal cost us a place in the Semis.

England supporters were angry with Maradona for what amounted to a crime worse than murder, but were incensed when the Argentinian claimed that it was not him that handled the ball, but omnipresent super being, God.

Revenge attacks were commonplace after the announcement with furious fans burning down churches and attacking vicars in the street.

Many vicars had a crisis of faith after investing a lot of time spreading God’s message only to be stabbed in the back by the cheating swine.

The ball from Waddle’s penalty miss can still be seen orbiting the planet

1990: England scraped passed Cameroon to make it to a semi final showdown with nemesis Germany.

Germany scored early doors with the flukiest free kick ever witnessed. The ball balloons up off Paul Parker and catches Peter Shilton off his line and sails in over the elderly goalkeeper’s head. England equalise through Gary Lineker and the nation rejoices.

Extra time and Gazza crying like an ugly girl followed, but ultimately the game would be decided on penalties. Anyway Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce fucked their’s up and the nation mourned and called them shit.

1994: Graham Taylor. Do I not like that.

Batistuta prepares to congratulate the ref on his decision

1998: It’s the second round and once again England face Argentina.

Argentina take an early lead through a Batistuta penalty, but England reply with a penalty of their own after Michael Owen is stabbed in the area. Owen then scores an amazing goal and England are in dreamland. A lapse of concentration in the English defence saw Argentina equalise from a free kick and it was 2-2.

What happened next caused fury to infect every man, woman and child in this great country of ours.

David Beckham lay on the ground taking a well-earned break. When Diego Simeone tried to wake him up, Beckham flung out a leg and Simeone fell to the ground like a falling tree that had been shot by a sack of potatoes. Beckham was immediately shown the red card as Batistuta nodded and applauded in a such a way that it made you want to cheese grate his face off.

The country then did exactly what you would expect after such an injustice… They took to the streets burning effigies of David Beckham in a sarong.

Ay….what…..bollocks!

2002. England suffer quarter final anguish against the Brazilians

A number of factors have been blamed for our exit from this competition. David Beckham discovered a new bone in his foot that he promptly broke in a champions league game. David Seaman standing statuesque as a Ronaldinho free kick floats over his head. Sven sitting in the dugout doing absolutely fuck all as England struggled to breakdown 10 man Brazil after Ronaldinho is sent off for having an offensive face.

One reason that hasn’t been and is never really considered is that England simply aren’t good enough.

The ref blows for a free kick to England shortly before Ronaldo offers him a hanky with chloroform on it

2006. It’s the quarter finals again and this time England face Portugal.

Who or what would scupper England’s chances this time? The answer is of course Cristiano Ronaldo.

A frustrated Wayne Rooney became entangled with Ricardo Carvalho and Armando Petit and aimed a stamp at Carvalho’s Knackers. At this point Ronaldo drugged the ref, stole his clothes and sent Rooney off before putting back on his kit and reviving the referee who was none the wiser.

England lost the game on penalties and the World cup dream was over for another 4 years

2010? So what will it be? A refereeing catastrophe? An opposition player mutilating one of our brave boys. One of our brave boys making a monumental fuck up and getting a blasting for being too human. Who knows, but one things for sure, we’ll be cheering our lads all the way to the quarter finals.

We’re giving you the opportunity to take part in writing the greatest story ever told. No, we’re not talking about the Bible, we’re talking about Gangaroo V Rapertron.

We’ve started it, now it’s up to you to finish it. Add what you think should happen next in the handy comments section at the bottom.

In the year 2037, a robot developed to sex men up called 5exp0t has developed the ability to act of its own free will. Tired of being a plaything for sexually frustrated men, it decides to turn the tables and become Rapertron.

Meanwhile in the Australian outback, the government are carrying out nuclear testing. This testing has caused some nearby kangaroos to mutate into 8ft Mangaroos with a desire to bum people. On their own they’re formidable, together they are the unstoppable Gangaroo!

In the skies above an Alien craft hovers, looking for new creatures to experiment on and new technology to explore. It abducts Rapertron and Gangaroo. Once on board, Rapertron and Gangaroo bum the aliens to within an inch of their lives and set the controls for the year 2009.

He’s 6ft 4″ and built like a shit brickhouse, he’s the former heavyweight champion of the world, 69 Wins, 41 of which were knockouts, he’s fought the likes of Muhammed Ali and Joe Frazier, but in this feature Joe talks exclusively about a more dangerous fight…..The fight against insects and spiders.

“Insects and spiders in Australia are killers” Warns Celebrity junglist, Joe Bugner. “The celebrities in here probably don’t realise it yet, but they’re in real danger.” He continues.

Here’s Joe’s top 5 killers..

1.The Bungle Bungle Bug.

“This little fella attacks during the night. The good news for women is that he attacks men only. What he does is climb down the hole in your cock and feeds on the sperm in your scrotum. Don’t think it finishes there though! He then climbs back out and spits it all out on your face. You wake up the next morning with a face like a glazed teacake and you don’t know why or how. You soon find out when you go to the toilet though because you piss fire.”

2. The Waggawagga mite.

“What these chaps do is attach themselves to your neck while you sleep and suck all the blood out of your body. Don’t think it finishes there though! If they are left attached for long enough they can take on the form of their host. You might think you’re chatting with Colin and Justin, but you turn your back and they’ll take you from behind, snapping you like a twig.”

3. The Gabbajabba Fly

“I’ve fought Muhammed Ali and he was a formidable opponent, but one thing I was sure of in the ring was that Ali wouldn’t try to burrow into my eyes and eat my brain out. That’s what you get with The Gabbajabba Fly. Don’t think it finishes there though! Once they’ve eaten your brain out they take total control of your body and set about murdering anyone within a 5 mile radius.”

4. The Jimmer Jammer

I’m pretty confident that if I was to go toe to toe in a boxing ring with any of the insects and spiders in Australia, I could give them a good fair fight, but these critters don’t like to play fair….and also we’re different weight categories so the WBF wouldn’t recognise the contest.

The Jimmer Jammer is a flying spider that flies up your arse while you’re taking a shit. It builds a web on your anus stopping the shit coming out. Don’t think it finishes there though! You get such a build up of excrement that it eventually backs up into your mouth and you drown….in your own shit!”

The Fozzlewozzer

“This one preys on ladies. What it does is climb up their front bum and impregnate them with its seed. Don’t think it finishes there though! After a short gestation period of 6 hours, the victim will give birth to an 8ft half man half Fozzlewozzer killing machine that will slaughter everyone in sight.”

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! continues tonight at some point.

No-one really knows what the the future holds for them, except maybe a convicted sex offender or someone on death row, but here are some of my predictions as to what technological advancements are just around the corner.

I’m lucky enough to be very popular with women and I have sex with them on a regular basis. If you’re not as fortunate as me then fear not, the future could hold some welcome surprises.

An invention which might be called the Sexbot could be available in the future. This would mean that you could have sex whenever you got the urge without the need to pay a prostitute or buy dinner. The machine could also come with attachments that would allow you to experiment and the good news is that because it’s a robot that wouldn’t make you gay.

One thing that we have learned from Science fiction films is that robots can develop their own intelligence and start to act of their own free will. As a result of this the down side is that the Sexbot might turn against you and go from Sexbot to Rapertron. Such a terrifying scenario could see you being Technobummed by a robot with sordid desires.

Grandmothers could become a thing of the past with a possible invention called the Nandroid. The Nandroid would be able to do all the things that grandmothers can’t like play football, ride on rollercoasters and eat foreign food. They would also have the added bonus of not stinking of piss, not being racist and not repeating themselves every 5 fucking minutes.

Food will no longer be required in the future with all the nutrition we need being available in a bitesize pill. The pill will give you the sensation of eating a 3 course meal and will come in a variety of different flavours such as Indian banquet, fish and chips and monkey brains.

I ran this concept by fat tongued celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who was far from impressed. “Bish bash bosh! You’re ‘avin a bath ain’t ya! No more stir-fried duck with sugar snap peas and asparagus! No more chocolate clafoutis with caramelized oranges! Fuck a duck! Dib dab dob wallop! He dribbled.

Exciting times ahead I’m sure you’ll agree.

Sat waiting for my latest interviewee in the corner of his local pub the Dog and Dagger, I sip at my Dry White wine while staring at the salt of the earth patrons who frequent this watering hole which makes the tatooine canteen look like a single mums coffee club.

I am waiting for of course Sir Daniel Dyer or the more common name which you and I know him as.. Danny Dyer, the man who bought Pills and masturbating in front of a mirror to the forefront of society.

Danny spots me sitting by myself nursing my drink with nothing but my Dictaphone and jotter pad as company. He walks over to me with his trademark swagger dressed straight out of your latest heat magazine with Ben Sherman plastered from head to toe.

“So hit me with these pissing questions you slag” he slurs. I am in no mood for his creative disinterest in my humble journalistic trade so fire both barrels at him trying to catch him unawares.

“The hardest working actor of his generation?” Bang I hit him with the big one, is Danny Dyer really the hardest working actor of his generation? This now immortal quote was the last words ever spoken by Marlon Brando as he finally succumbed to death after five solid days playing notorious drinking game TheGameOfDeathWishMasterFarSideOfTheWorldIsNotEnough. “Fuck you ponce” Danny answers and gives me the now patented Bafta winning Dyer scowl. I decide to change tack and play it a bit cooler in the hope of dissecting the man behind the myth.

“So, Mr Dyer please expand and tell my readers about your recent trip around Africa entitled ‘Danny Dyers one man complete Shakespeare tour of Africa’, I mean its hardly the catchiest name?” I enquire. “You stupid nonce, its meant to be a play on words you Muppet, its classy you see , you know like Princess Di.” Danny’s Response is classic Dyer and I can only applaud his sense of humour.

I place a copy of this weeks Nuts men’s magazine in front of him, plastered across the front page is him naked with only his three Oscars covering his privates and nipples in a tasteful photo shoot on him by Annie Lebowitz.

“Tell me about you latest shoot Danny, is it really true that on the day you shot these beautiful pictures you slept with both Lilly Allen and Katie Price, while at the same time filming another series of Britain’s hardest pubs ?” I said. “Twat, you little supped up paparazzi are nothing more than a daddy’s boy who only got where you are today by sucking every cock shoved through that glory hole in your stupid partition in your six foot by six foot cell of an office.” he spewed. I have to shake myself free from his mesmerising lyrics which were directed towards little old me and remember I am here to dig deep into the psyche of Danny Dyer not get lost in his poetic prose.

“What do you prefer doing in show business Danny, Acting, Directing, Writing, Producing, Cameraman? You have done the lot and in your last 9 series of Danny Dyers Hardest pubs you have actually done all the above in a one man show who’s very title is now the by word for High Brow post pub entertainment.” I ask. “Cunt, you fuckng cunt, see this signet ring?” Danny shows me a lovely looking piece of classic chav Elizabeth Duke jewellery then proceeds to punch me in the jaw breaking my face instantly*. “This interview is over you creepy little journo scumbag, you are shit on societies shoes” He growls through gritted teeth.

I smile as I fall to the ground, crumpled like an old betting slip in the bottom of Danny’s sheepskin coat and my last memories of this high point in my career is of Danny sticking his Size 5 Reebok classics repeatedly into my now haemorrhaging stomach.

Classic Danny.

*while filming series 7,8,9 of Britain’s hardest pubs Danny also won the WBO belts in three different weight categories only retiring his boxing career early due to the untimely deaths of his opponents Floyd Mayweather Junior , Ricky Hatton and of course the now horrible return of Prince Naseem Hamed.

Article written by a voice recognition typing tool while in intensive care by Rufus DeBerg.

Women, Gays, Foreigners, we’ve all had to endure them at some point. To make this a more positive experience for everyone, I’ve teamed up with my good friends at Dawn of the Jed, to bring you a guide to treating everyone with respect, regardless of whether they’re a nuffta, slag or a terrorist.

I have absolutely nothing against women as long as they’re either cooking my dinner or sucking my cock. Unfortunately this kind of attitude is frowned upon in the workplace, so here’s how to come across as respectful.

There’s nothing women like more than to be paid a compliment, and I’ve had 4 wives, so I know exactly what I’m talking about.

It doesn’t take much time or effort to pay someone a compliment and it can brighten up their day and lift the mood within the working environment.

If you see a woman looking a bit down and you think they need a boost then a “Nice tits” or if they’re bending down a “While you’re down there” comment is guaranteed to put a smile on their face.

Also some women say no when they actually mean yes. If you think one needs cheering up then ask them out for a drink. Show you’re a modern guy by insisting she gets a round in when it’s her turn. If she refuses then whatever you do don’t give up.

Jim’s top tip

Never take no for an answer

I’ve absolutely nothing against gays as long as they don’t force it upon me. I’d go as far to say that they should do it behind closed doors, with all the lights turned out and they should most definitely never mention it in public.

The thought of men joined in some sordid daisy chain of sodomy, thrusting, licking, probing…. their muscular frames glistening with sweat as they…….yeah, anyway it makes me sick to my stomach!

Gays love it if you mimic them. Walk behind them with one hand on your hip and the other held out like the spout on a teapot and you can’t go wrong. Simple etiquette doesn’t go amiss either. When you see a gay approaching always ensure that you put your back to the wall and announce that you’re going to do this to signal that you’ve seen them.

I’ve absolutely nothing against foreigners as long as they stay foreign in their own bloody country!

If you work with anyone that’s foreign then laughter is something that unites everyone. If one turns up wearing a rucksack then make a point of diving for cover. They’re bound to see the funny side.

If you work with a foreigner it’s always good to show a knowledge of their country. If they’re Indian call them Gupta, If they are Jamaican call them Winston, if they are Paki…..stani call them Abdul. They will appreciate this and it will give a feeling of camaraderie.

there’s not a lot I don’t know about dealing with the disabled. I once hosted a pilot for a game show called Wheelchair of Fortune. It was a bit like Gladiators, but with paraplegics. For some reason the BBC didn’t want to know.

It’s worth noting that being disabled is not always a disadvantage. I mean look at Jim Branning in Eastenders. It can’t take him long to learn his lines and I bet he gets paid a tidy sum into the bargain.

Lets face it all you want is someone that can do the job, not a bloody fire hazard, but there are a number of different disabilities that people suffer from and these differences can have a varying impact upon the workplace. I’ll deal with some of them today.

Deafness

As I mentioned earlier, one thing that unites everyone is humour. If you work with someone that is hard of hearing then everytime they ask you something or talk to you, look at your watch and say “Half past four”. They love that joke. Infact I’d go as far to say that the more you do it the funnier they’ll find it.

Physically Handicapped

The physically handicapped always like to know that you realise they are there. With this in mind it is always advised that you speak loudly and slowly when talking to them. If they are being wheeled about by someone, then speak to them instead, this will prevent the handicapped person getting too overloaded with information that they probably can’t cope with.

Psychiatric problems

I really can’t over emphasise the importance of using humour to help someone become part of the workplace. People with mental issues love a good joke to lighten the mood. If you’re sat at your desk and you see someone who has these problems approaching, say in a loud whisper “Shhhhhhh, they’re coming.” Trust me they’ll crack up…quite literally!

One thing that bonds all disabled folk is that they want people to think that they are human. Hopefully these tips will help you to view them that way.

That’s all for now, but if you want some more hints and tips then you can order my Diversity Awareness Training video from Burning cross films at £9.99

As a follow up to the immensely popular “John Leslie’s Celebrity Dating Tips” Jed brings you our next instalment of A list Advice

He has been described by the Dali Lama as “My guiding spirit to the land of peace and tranquillity”

Today Hollywood peace icon Russell Crowe offers us insight in to his world of peace and calm as he gives us his Anger Management Tips.

I meet him in a chic London coffee shop, I order a latte, he orders a cup of green tea. It is a bright but chilly September afternoon, glistening in autumn sunshine.

Being a poet and artist Crowe starts off with 2 of his favourite calming quotes:

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
- Aristotle

“Fuckin’ Magoo! What are you doing here?”
- Russell Crowe

He then goes on to talk about boundaries and beginnings, how everyone at one point or another has been angry and how learning how to deal with anger is vital in having healthy lifestyle.

So what are Russell’s top tips?

1. Find a safe spot. The problem with anger it quickly escalates amongst the people around you as Russell goes on to explain:
“When I get angry I like to dress up like a neo-nazi and smack people” Russell admits “when I do this it’s really for the best that you find a safe place to hide because I can really flip my lid. Once I threw a garbage bin through a shop window. So if you see me in a hotel lobby with a sharp hair cut best hide”
I ask him where he would suggest hiding his reply is decidedly cryptic “You enjoy being cannon fodder for the system?”

2. “Most therapists say that you need to find an outlet for your rage” Russell muses, “but they are wankers and should fuck off, if you don’t know who the enemy is you can’t win the war. I find a good outlet for my rage is to kick my tv set. Try it you’ll feel better, or if you’re in the middle of downloading Dauphne and Celeste off itunes and your computer crashes, headbutt the fucking thing, you can’t break it and you’ll feel tonnes better. Then find those two little slags and rip their damn arms off”

At this stage of the interview Russell’s nostrils are staring to flare and he is sweating some what his fists clenched, almost paralyzed in anger.
“What the fuck are you staring at?” He snarls “Do you want to hear my 3rd tip or shall I knee you in the labia you stupid slut?”

I ask him to continue, noticing he has now produced some sort of Hitler Youth knife and is furiously moving it in and out of its sheath

3. “Here’s one I live by; Learn to act not react” He intones. “If you can feel the anger welling up inside you, go with your instinct”
And with out warning he punches me in the face and storms out of the room turning over a glass table and aiming a kick at a small dog on the way out. The joke is on him though when he tries to slam the door he can’t, it’s one of those ones on a hydraulic system that stops it being slammed, this makes him even angrier an he kicks the door several times until the glass breaks. Onlookers are startled and mother are quick to reign in their children.
He then runs off down the street screaming like a demented banshee and yelling “Trevor you cunt! You’re next!”

A kind old gent offers me a hanky as my nose is bleeding slightly and my eyes are full of tears.
I can’t really explain how I feel at this point, I was lost in his dreamy eyes for most of the interview, and despite the fact that tomorrow I’ll have 2 black eyes, I got chatted up by Russell Crowe, worth every salty tear.

“Trevor and I: A special friendship” By Russell Crowe is out now from Red Rag publishing

When you buy condoms, are you the sort of guy that checks the use by date to see if it’s realistic?

Would you rather clean up a steaming pile of runny dog poo or ask out that girl you like out on a serious date?

Thought so

Johnny Cash once said that “love, is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring” clearly this is a metaphor for his well known love of turkey tikka vindaloo, but to the less cultured amongst us, those that perhaps care for incontinent dogs, it presents an interesting conundrum:

How do I get a girl to like me without it blowing up in my spotty teenage, but actually twenty something face?

Well here at Jed we have spared no expense in helping our unique visitors answer this predicament. We have sought the advice of master seducer John Leslie to help you seek the minotaur at the centre of the dating labyrinth.

So with out further ado:

MISTAKE #1:

Being Too Much Of A “Nice Guy”

“Being a celebrity always meant I was around loads of attractive women all the time” Explains expert John Leslie and author of “Love Ambush.”

“But being a naturally shy animal loving Pisces I always found it hard to talk to them, the girls would always tell me what a nice guy I was and how I was their best friend, and I was frustrated by that, and I think a lot of guys can relate to this.”
I can imagine John, so what can we do to correct this problem?

“Well first of all you need to enjoy the hunt” Says John rubbing his hands together “recognise the fact that if you make an impression on them, they’ll never forget you, they might not like you, but they’ll never forget you”

John explains that women’s first impressions are linked to 3 things what he calls the slutty triangle of vanity.

1) Simply how good looking you are. “In order to succeed in this game you need to be handsome, with a great body. Women say that say they’re looking for a cuddly guy with a sense of humour. These are what I like to call Liars. Offer a woman Peter Kaye or Orlando Bloom and I guarantee it’s going to be Phoenix Lonely Nights for tubby.

2) Earn big spend big and don’t be afraid to splash your cash. “Lets face facts folks” John snarls bluntly, clearly this is a sensitive issue for him “offer to buy a girl a Bacardi Breezer and you’ll probably end up getting at worse stabbed at best genital warts, offer her an ’85 vintage (or non-vintage who cares most bimbos can’t tell the difference anyway) Schaffenberger and at best she drink it (we all know what bubbly does to the fairer sex) or ask you what the hell you’re talking about, presto! Instant conversation starter. Women love men with money, and expensive taste, it makes them feel classy, even if they are really a rough dog that just looks hot. It also helps if you earn you dosh from a particularly manly occupation, tv celeb, athlete, adventurer, explorer, gun fighter will all make women hot for you.

3) Get a cock like a fire hydrant. John’s motto is: “Strength in Length.” “If they tell you that they don’t like it too big, it could be painful, just laugh it off. Vibrators (something that every woman owns) are scientifically built to be larger than an average mans penis FACT. Thanks to advances in medical science cock pumps and Viagra actually work, you should invest large sums of cash and time in to these endeavours. When she sees your manly piece she isn’t going to go “gasp! That’ll never fit” most likely she’ll faint. This is a big turn on for her as most women rate this as their favourite kind of foreplay and an invitation to take things further.
So in conclusion you need to be smoking hot, have enough cash to fill a football stadium and be hung like Shergar to succeed with the hotties. John doesn’t mince his words:

“These women are here to turn us on so we can procreate. Men are like vampires and women are like our food. They are our FUCKING FOOD! And I say Bon Apetit”

And with a tip of his beret John stands up, signalling that this is the end of the dating tips for today.
So what have I learned from my experience with John Leslie, master seducer? Hot women are within my reach, but I should stop complaining about it and actually do something about it, either that or lower my standards.

Love Ambush by John Leslie is out now on Predator Books.