Robot Whores season 6: Capetown Blood Money

Filmed on location in Capetown and presented by celebrity crackhead and rapist, Craig Charles & Philipa Forrester the Robot Whores series returns for it’s sixth season.

For viewers new to this series this is how it works:
Teams of virgin, bed wetting, geeks build machines. The machines are then put in to an arena filled with an oiled up, busty gymnasts. Whichever team’s machine can pin down a gymnsast and make her cum first is the winner.

This team then advances to the next round and has bragging rights that because their robot has had sex with a human girl, since they built that robot, they have too.

This season sees the return of the previous seasons winner Professor P Ledge and his sexbot Sgt Gash (whose 12″ phalus shaped ram is supposedly modelled on the creators own member ) and his close rival Dr Gesaptonik Fruster whose machine Rapertron last year narrowly lost by disqualification after repeated pulverising the wrong hole of the helpless gymnast’s.

Also look out for the new commer R2fistU

This year the stage has been set for the ultimate show down in the AIDS ridden slums of South Africa. When it was filmed the show was in more demand than cheap tickets for the 2010 world cup finals.

The gymnsasts are as fresh and supple as ever and boy do they like to fight. The designers will need every tool in their geeky, sexy arsenal to battle their way to the top, (through the bottom, as anal is now allowed).

This DVD features:
Robots made by geeks having sex with AIDS riddled South African gymnasts, AIDS ridden South African Gymnasts having sex with eachother (DVD extra’s), special behind the scenes featurette with Craig Charles and Philipa Forrester personally testing all of the machines and smashing eachother while in a crack induced frenzy, behind the scenes interviews with the robot designers about their wildest fantasies

The Robot Whores franchise certainly isn’t for everyone, some times it can make quite uncomfortable watching (in the last season one of the gynmasts was probed to death) but if you’re a fan of something a bit out of the ordinary then this is the one for you

7/10

Thomas Aquinas

What can I say about the latest release from Parody Porn studios?

The production company that brought us the sensational film: Sex and the shitty; the film of last season, about a group of incontinent Manhattan socialite nymphos.

Well let me tell you, the follow up is something else. Just when you thought it could get any hotter, the temperature starts soaring with GMB.

The film is shot in mockumentary fashion. It follows the fortunes of a group of newly married couples whose sex lives aren’t panning out the way they thought it would.

Enter the relationship counsellor with a twist: Renowned Hollywood dominatrix and a-list celeb Cilla Black.

She guides the couples through their issues and leads them to experiment with madness and fear in an attempt to get their sex lives back on track.

This film is about as extreme as anything Cilla has done, as she really shines in her role, from the scene where she convinces a shy petite blonde that the only way to please her man is to dress up in a Liverpool kit and do a striptease while serving him steaks and beer, to the sound of Motorhead’s Ace of Spades, to the final climax where she joins the virgin couple on their wedding night, intravenously feeding him viagra while his blushing bride (who is blushing and then some after this experience) who is hog tied and given enema after enema from midget dressed as a Spartan warrior.

The dialogue is pure oscar material, especially when Cilla appears with foot long dildo and forces it up a guys ass while singing “surprise surprise” while his new wife faints after taking a massive hit from a crack pipe and is then eaten out by wolves.

This film features:
Brides, Grooms, Bridesmaids, Ushers, Usher (special celeb appearance), Gimps, Enemas, Scousers, Cambodian tool belt, The Alabama Sledgehammer, Gang Bangs

Critically I think that this film is as perfect as they come, the lighting and sound are of the highest quality, although the only slight niggle would be the non-stop Cilla Black sound track which some will find possibly the hottest thing in the world, others perhaps not so much.

Thomas Aquinas

Going in a different direction from our last featured movie (lesbian vibrator bitches of the gestapo) which was quite avante garde, we look a little closer to home with the English produced:
The Girls of Greggs and Their Pasties 4: Hot, Deep Fillings

The film focuses on the rise in popularity of the British scene of Pasty Porn, a genre that holds appeal to food lovers and fetish lovers alike.

This series is acted out like a soap opera, following the workers of a Greggs Pasty Shop in the northern city of Liverpool.

It follows the plot of a standard flick, with one very tasty addition:
Pasties.

During the various scenes the girls of Gregg’s find themselves shagging delivery men, customers and each other with pastries, pasties and cream cakes.

From this feature you can expect:
Girl/girl, anal, nasal, cream pie, apple pie, chicken and mushroom pie, dildo play, sausage roll play, greasy girls, sweaty men, scousers, portuguese candy shop bon bon deluxe

The script can sometimes be a little hard to follow as they all have a very thick scouse accent, but the dvd release has subtitles.

The real genius of this work though is that for the first 1000 customers to order on-line get a £5 voucher to spend at their local Greggs store.

All in all this film, just like the bakery in real life, offers cheap, hot fulfillment, that leaves you feeling slightly dirty.

Thomas Aquinas

LVBG is the first release from new production company Fourth Reich Frau’s and the release of this movie to coincide with the 20 year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall is a stroke of genius.

The film follows the fortues of Alisa Kuntz a sexually frustrated gestapo officer whose job revolves around “interrogating” captured female spies both at home and abroad, her aim is to score a promotion to the rank of major.

The sound track which is a beautiful mix of Barvarian folk music and stark sinister industrial noises complements the beautifully bleak sets, (dungeons, parade grounds, army offices) which really sets the tone of the film.

The unique selling point of this production is it’s combination of period menace (nothing more frightening than a horny nazi with an agenda) and quite literally period menace (the scene where she interrogates the american airforce bimbo when she is on rag week, is beautifully erotic and quite chilling). The sets and costumes really do justice to the title and the use of modern sex devices combined with what would have been available at the time really puts this film in a league of it’s own.

This movie offers even the most deviant viewer something to test their limits.

It features, serious female domination, uniforms, bondage, torture, forced orgasms, ATM, smackerel, shaving, FF donkey punching, dutch ovens, fisting.

With 6 scenes running to 110 minutes the film does run a little long to be viewed in one sitting and at sometimes the all german sound track with no subtitles (despite the fact this is a American production) can get a little tedious. Despite it’s obvious qualities you are left thinking that FRF tried a little too hard with what otherwise would be a stunning debut.

So if you’re a fan of hardcore female domination, uniforms and something slightly alternative then this maybe the one you’re looking for.

8/10

Thomas Aquinas

Well what can I say about the latest instalment of the SB franchise?

Since breaking on to the scene in 2004 with the award winning short, Soggy Biscuit: Tea for two, it has become synonymous with quality. Since then it has consistently delivered well hung studs like Jammy Roger, Gary Boldy, Ginger Nuts and Rich Tee, jacking off over various types of biscuit with the last one to finish having to hungrily gobble the lot.

I must say this film delivers. From all angles (quite literally) the lighting, harsh bright halogen bulbs, the sound, tasteful John Cale piano, the script from it’s opening lines:
Jammy Roger: “Hey wanna play soggy biscuit?”
Rich Tee: “Okay, but it’s my first time”
to the climax
Rich Tee “Oh yeah that so tastes good can’t wait to play again”

It ticks all the boxes. The only criticism I would have is the lack of women and penetrative sex, blowjobs, anal, facials, donkey punches and Cleveland steamers.

If you watch one film this year about a group of guys whacking it over a custard cream make it this one

9/10