Reports are coming in that John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy. We take a look at who will replace Terry and lead the squad to victory at the World Cup this summer.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams

Chances of sleeping with teamate’s wives and girlfriends. As Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Williams is unlikely to get involved with any sexing about, so Capello and the English public can feel confident that he’ll keep his energies for chasing lost causes into the opposition half as opposed to skirt into nightclubs.

Chances of sleeping with elderly prostitutes The Archbishop would probably be sympathetic to the plight of prostitutes and would maybe offer them spiritual guidance and pray for them. Therefore the chances of him being snapped leaving a brothel at 2 in the morning with a Tena lady stuck to his face are remote.

Chances of getting into a nightclub brawl. Dr Williams is unlikely to spend his time in nightclubs and is more likely to stay indoors and have a good old pray. If he did fancy taking the players out on a team building exercise, he’d probably take them to a museum or a medieval folly. If a risk of violence did arise, a group pray would quell the situation.

Chances of not turning up for a drug test Dr Williams, or Willsy as his team mates might call him, is probably an excellent time keeper and wouldn’t be phased by moving house. The likelihood is that he wouldn’t need any performancing enhancing drugs as God is his drug, and as yet God is not a banned substance in football.

Footballing ability The one area where Dr Williams may be found wanting, but no-one really gives a fuck about that, I mean it’s only the World fucking Cup after all. Who the fuck looks up to players as moral guides anyway. “But they’re an example to our kids.” Shut the fuck up! You’re an example to your kids! It’s your job to teach them right from wrong, not John fucking Terry!

Next week we assess whether Archbishop of York, John Sentamu could do a job on the left of England’s midfield.