Baldwin preaching at an oven chip convention

Hallelujah! Welcome disciples, it is I Stephen Baldwin, here to help you believe in the Lord and to lay before you a path leading to Heaven. It may be a steep climb for some of you, but believe me it will be a path worth walking.

Let me ask you a question. What keeps you alive every day? What’s the one thing you’d need most, right now, if I took it away? That’s right, it’s oxygen. How do you know it’s called oxygen? See, somebody told you that oxygen was called oxygen, the thing you need the most. Well, guess what? Somebody told you that the words in The Bible are true, and you went, ‘I don’t believe it.’ But you’ll believe oxygen!

Now some people might say ‘But Stephen, there is scientific evidence to support the existence of oxygen, but there is no evidence to support the word of The Bible. To that I say BURN THEM! Because they are in league with The Dark Prince. Disbelievers will be punished! God is a vengeful God and ye shall be punished if you doubt his word despite a lack of any evidence to support it. You must believe blindly or ye shall be blinded by his fury!

Brothers, sisters, I don’t believe in evolution. See, because here’s my problem. Evolution means that something has become something from something else. Correct? OK, so my question is, if we’re from apes, why are the apes still here? If we evolved from apes, they would have died off.

Some people might answer that evolutionary science doesn’t actually say that we are from apes, but that apes and ourselves share a distant common ancestor. They might go on to explain that the reason apes haven’t died off is because they too are infact evolving, just differently from humans.

To these people I would say BURN, BURN, BURN in the fiery pits of Hell. BURN the heretics! BURN the unbelievers. God will smite you on your satanic ass! He will bring forth wrath upon your friends and family, for God is a vengeful God and your going to be pulling smite and wrath out of your ass for weeks.

What my faith requires is that if I, my wife and my two kids were sitting on a public bus, and somebody came on with a machine-gun and pointed it at my daughter and said to her, ‘Say Jesus doesn’t exist’… If she turned to me and said, ‘What do I do?’, I’d say, ‘What have I taught you to do?’ And she’d say, ‘Jesus absolutely exists’, and I’d see her in heaven.

Some people might say ‘Stephen, you are absolutely fucking crazy’, I’d say you’re darned tootin I’m crazy. I’m crazy for the love of our Lord.