He’s 6ft 4″ and built like a shit brickhouse, he’s the former heavyweight champion of the world, 69 Wins, 41 of which were knockouts, he’s fought the likes of Muhammed Ali and Joe Frazier, but in this feature Joe talks exclusively about a more dangerous fight…..The fight against insects and spiders.
“Insects and spiders in Australia are killers” Warns Celebrity junglist, Joe Bugner. “The celebrities in here probably don’t realise it yet, but they’re in real danger.” He continues.
Here’s Joe’s top 5 killers..
1.The Bungle Bungle Bug.
“This little fella attacks during the night. The good news for women is that he attacks men only. What he does is climb down the hole in your cock and feeds on the sperm in your scrotum. Don’t think it finishes there though! He then climbs back out and spits it all out on your face. You wake up the next morning with a face like a glazed teacake and you don’t know why or how. You soon find out when you go to the toilet though because you piss fire.”
2. The Waggawagga mite.
“What these chaps do is attach themselves to your neck while you sleep and suck all the blood out of your body. Don’t think it finishes there though! If they are left attached for long enough they can take on the form of their host. You might think you’re chatting with Colin and Justin, but you turn your back and they’ll take you from behind, snapping you like a twig.”
3. The Gabbajabba Fly
“I’ve fought Muhammed Ali and he was a formidable opponent, but one thing I was sure of in the ring was that Ali wouldn’t try to burrow into my eyes and eat my brain out. That’s what you get with The Gabbajabba Fly. Don’t think it finishes there though! Once they’ve eaten your brain out they take total control of your body and set about murdering anyone within a 5 mile radius.”
4. The Jimmer Jammer
I’m pretty confident that if I was to go toe to toe in a boxing ring with any of the insects and spiders in Australia, I could give them a good fair fight, but these critters don’t like to play fair….and also we’re different weight categories so the WBF wouldn’t recognise the contest.
The Jimmer Jammer is a flying spider that flies up your arse while you’re taking a shit. It builds a web on your anus stopping the shit coming out. Don’t think it finishes there though! You get such a build up of excrement that it eventually backs up into your mouth and you drown….in your own shit!”
The Fozzlewozzer
“This one preys on ladies. What it does is climb up their front bum and impregnate them with its seed. Don’t think it finishes there though! After a short gestation period of 6 hours, the victim will give birth to an 8ft half man half Fozzlewozzer killing machine that will slaughter everyone in sight.”
I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! continues tonight at some point.