No-one really knows what the the future holds for them, except maybe a convicted sex offender or someone on death row, but here are some of my predictions as to what technological advancements are just around the corner.

I’m lucky enough to be very popular with women and I have sex with them on a regular basis. If you’re not as fortunate as me then fear not, the future could hold some welcome surprises.

An invention which might be called the Sexbot could be available in the future. This would mean that you could have sex whenever you got the urge without the need to pay a prostitute or buy dinner. The machine could also come with attachments that would allow you to experiment and the good news is that because it’s a robot that wouldn’t make you gay.

One thing that we have learned from Science fiction films is that robots can develop their own intelligence and start to act of their own free will. As a result of this the down side is that the Sexbot might turn against you and go from Sexbot to Rapertron. Such a terrifying scenario could see you being Technobummed by a robot with sordid desires.

Grandmothers could become a thing of the past with a possible invention called the Nandroid. The Nandroid would be able to do all the things that grandmothers can’t like play football, ride on rollercoasters and eat foreign food. They would also have the added bonus of not stinking of piss, not being racist and not repeating themselves every 5 fucking minutes.

Food will no longer be required in the future with all the nutrition we need being available in a bitesize pill. The pill will give you the sensation of eating a 3 course meal and will come in a variety of different flavours such as Indian banquet, fish and chips and monkey brains.

I ran this concept by fat tongued celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who was far from impressed. “Bish bash bosh! You’re ‘avin a bath ain’t ya! No more stir-fried duck with sugar snap peas and asparagus! No more chocolate clafoutis with caramelized oranges! Fuck a duck! Dib dab dob wallop! He dribbled.

Exciting times ahead I’m sure you’ll agree.