Sat waiting for my latest interviewee in the corner of his local pub the Dog and Dagger, I sip at my Dry White wine while staring at the salt of the earth patrons who frequent this watering hole which makes the tatooine canteen look like a single mums coffee club.

I am waiting for of course Sir Daniel Dyer or the more common name which you and I know him as.. Danny Dyer, the man who bought Pills and masturbating in front of a mirror to the forefront of society.

Danny spots me sitting by myself nursing my drink with nothing but my Dictaphone and jotter pad as company. He walks over to me with his trademark swagger dressed straight out of your latest heat magazine with Ben Sherman plastered from head to toe.

“So hit me with these pissing questions you slag” he slurs. I am in no mood for his creative disinterest in my humble journalistic trade so fire both barrels at him trying to catch him unawares.

“The hardest working actor of his generation?” Bang I hit him with the big one, is Danny Dyer really the hardest working actor of his generation? This now immortal quote was the last words ever spoken by Marlon Brando as he finally succumbed to death after five solid days playing notorious drinking game TheGameOfDeathWishMasterFarSideOfTheWorldIsNotEnough. “Fuck you ponce” Danny answers and gives me the now patented Bafta winning Dyer scowl. I decide to change tack and play it a bit cooler in the hope of dissecting the man behind the myth.

“So, Mr Dyer please expand and tell my readers about your recent trip around Africa entitled ‘Danny Dyers one man complete Shakespeare tour of Africa’, I mean its hardly the catchiest name?” I enquire. “You stupid nonce, its meant to be a play on words you Muppet, its classy you see , you know like Princess Di.” Danny’s Response is classic Dyer and I can only applaud his sense of humour.

I place a copy of this weeks Nuts men’s magazine in front of him, plastered across the front page is him naked with only his three Oscars covering his privates and nipples in a tasteful photo shoot on him by Annie Lebowitz.

“Tell me about you latest shoot Danny, is it really true that on the day you shot these beautiful pictures you slept with both Lilly Allen and Katie Price, while at the same time filming another series of Britain’s hardest pubs ?” I said. “Twat, you little supped up paparazzi are nothing more than a daddy’s boy who only got where you are today by sucking every cock shoved through that glory hole in your stupid partition in your six foot by six foot cell of an office.” he spewed. I have to shake myself free from his mesmerising lyrics which were directed towards little old me and remember I am here to dig deep into the psyche of Danny Dyer not get lost in his poetic prose.

“What do you prefer doing in show business Danny, Acting, Directing, Writing, Producing, Cameraman? You have done the lot and in your last 9 series of Danny Dyers Hardest pubs you have actually done all the above in a one man show who’s very title is now the by word for High Brow post pub entertainment.” I ask. “Cunt, you fuckng cunt, see this signet ring?” Danny shows me a lovely looking piece of classic chav Elizabeth Duke jewellery then proceeds to punch me in the jaw breaking my face instantly*. “This interview is over you creepy little journo scumbag, you are shit on societies shoes” He growls through gritted teeth.

I smile as I fall to the ground, crumpled like an old betting slip in the bottom of Danny’s sheepskin coat and my last memories of this high point in my career is of Danny sticking his Size 5 Reebok classics repeatedly into my now haemorrhaging stomach.

Classic Danny.

*while filming series 7,8,9 of Britain’s hardest pubs Danny also won the WBO belts in three different weight categories only retiring his boxing career early due to the untimely deaths of his opponents Floyd Mayweather Junior , Ricky Hatton and of course the now horrible return of Prince Naseem Hamed.

Article written by a voice recognition typing tool while in intensive care by Rufus DeBerg.