When you buy condoms, are you the sort of guy that checks the use by date to see if it’s realistic?

Would you rather clean up a steaming pile of runny dog poo or ask out that girl you like out on a serious date?

Thought so

Johnny Cash once said that “love, is a burning thing and it makes a fiery ring” clearly this is a metaphor for his well known love of turkey tikka vindaloo, but to the less cultured amongst us, those that perhaps care for incontinent dogs, it presents an interesting conundrum:

How do I get a girl to like me without it blowing up in my spotty teenage, but actually twenty something face?

Well here at Jed we have spared no expense in helping our unique visitors answer this predicament. We have sought the advice of master seducer John Leslie to help you seek the minotaur at the centre of the dating labyrinth.

So with out further ado:

MISTAKE #1:

Being Too Much Of A “Nice Guy”

“Being a celebrity always meant I was around loads of attractive women all the time” Explains expert John Leslie and author of “Love Ambush.”

“But being a naturally shy animal loving Pisces I always found it hard to talk to them, the girls would always tell me what a nice guy I was and how I was their best friend, and I was frustrated by that, and I think a lot of guys can relate to this.”
I can imagine John, so what can we do to correct this problem?

“Well first of all you need to enjoy the hunt” Says John rubbing his hands together “recognise the fact that if you make an impression on them, they’ll never forget you, they might not like you, but they’ll never forget you”

John explains that women’s first impressions are linked to 3 things what he calls the slutty triangle of vanity.

1) Simply how good looking you are. “In order to succeed in this game you need to be handsome, with a great body. Women say that say they’re looking for a cuddly guy with a sense of humour. These are what I like to call Liars. Offer a woman Peter Kaye or Orlando Bloom and I guarantee it’s going to be Phoenix Lonely Nights for tubby.

2) Earn big spend big and don’t be afraid to splash your cash. “Lets face facts folks” John snarls bluntly, clearly this is a sensitive issue for him “offer to buy a girl a Bacardi Breezer and you’ll probably end up getting at worse stabbed at best genital warts, offer her an ’85 vintage (or non-vintage who cares most bimbos can’t tell the difference anyway) Schaffenberger and at best she drink it (we all know what bubbly does to the fairer sex) or ask you what the hell you’re talking about, presto! Instant conversation starter. Women love men with money, and expensive taste, it makes them feel classy, even if they are really a rough dog that just looks hot. It also helps if you earn you dosh from a particularly manly occupation, tv celeb, athlete, adventurer, explorer, gun fighter will all make women hot for you.

3) Get a cock like a fire hydrant. John’s motto is: “Strength in Length.” “If they tell you that they don’t like it too big, it could be painful, just laugh it off. Vibrators (something that every woman owns) are scientifically built to be larger than an average mans penis FACT. Thanks to advances in medical science cock pumps and Viagra actually work, you should invest large sums of cash and time in to these endeavours. When she sees your manly piece she isn’t going to go “gasp! That’ll never fit” most likely she’ll faint. This is a big turn on for her as most women rate this as their favourite kind of foreplay and an invitation to take things further.
So in conclusion you need to be smoking hot, have enough cash to fill a football stadium and be hung like Shergar to succeed with the hotties. John doesn’t mince his words:

“These women are here to turn us on so we can procreate. Men are like vampires and women are like our food. They are our FUCKING FOOD! And I say Bon Apetit”

And with a tip of his beret John stands up, signalling that this is the end of the dating tips for today.
So what have I learned from my experience with John Leslie, master seducer? Hot women are within my reach, but I should stop complaining about it and actually do something about it, either that or lower my standards.

Love Ambush by John Leslie is out now on Predator Books.