Are you looking for intellectual debate? Do you love pitting your wits against brilliant minds? Then you’re seriously in the wrong place.
Got a question? Then I’ve got the answer. If I don’t know the answer then I’ll make something up. I can’t say fairer than that.
February 20th, 2009 at 14:26
If I went back in time and met up with myself, took myself out for a drink and maybe a bite to eat, went back to my place for some coffee, stuck on a bit of music and after one thing leading to another, gave myself a good bumming, would that make me gay?
February 20th, 2009 at 16:43
Not gay. If that’s gay then on those grounds so is having a wank. And I wank – ALOT. And I’m not gay. Some people are able to reach forward and suck the tip of their falafel too but this does not make them gay.
February 20th, 2009 at 17:32
The time travel sexuality question is one that has baffled scientists for decades. I’ve given it some thought and have reached the conclusion that if it’s a one off then I’d say you’re not gay, but if you keep repeating the exercise then there might be something there to suggest you have a bit of gayness going on.
There are also greater ramifications to consider. What if when bumming yourself, you mentally scar the you from the past? You’d then be scarred presently. Simply put, by going back and doing yourself, you’d in all likelihood damage the present self, making everything different.
May i suggest having a rib removed, like the artist formerly known as Prince? He can now orally please himself, much like me, therefore removing the need to even go back and experiment in the past.
February 21st, 2009 at 06:52
Jed, the simple answer is that you explain the time travel situation to your past self before you commence the gay act. This will lessen the psychological blow as your former self will then be excited by the future act he will participate it and will therefore take the bumming in good humour. Also don’t worry about the butterfly effect as it has been proved that this position does not damage the sphincter to the extent that was previously thought.
February 23rd, 2009 at 08:56
An interesting subject. One thing that must be taken into account when considering going back in time and bumming yourself is that if you are solely interested in giving rather than taking you MUST take into consideration that once you have bummed yourself, being bummed will form part of your memory. If bumming yourself is your sole motivation then you must take into account how this will affect yourself as the bumee. You do not want to be in a situation where you are forcing yourself onto yourself. This may well lead to a self loathing that could cause serious problems throughout your life.
March 5th, 2009 at 19:21
jed,
i found a life size cardboard cut-out of cherrie blair and her mouth is massive. is there anything i can do to prevent my potential children from getting a gob like it?
March 31st, 2009 at 12:35
hi jed,
why do people have middle names? they seldom get used and seem rather pointless, do you have one? and if you could choose what would it be? I would like to be called rangoon.
April 1st, 2009 at 09:11
People don’t really have any say in what name they are given at birth due to the fact that they can’t talk. I think people choose middle names for their offspring as a compromise or to honour somebody or something. For example women will choose names like Toby or Hermiany, where as men will choose names like Dave or Bobby Moore. To compromise the child will be called something like Toby Bobby Moore Ford Capri Smythe. I don’t have a middle name…..or a surname for that matter. If I could choose I’d probably go for Rogers.
April 24th, 2009 at 13:43
I was flicking through the channels the other night and came across a show featuring well known psychic gobshite, Derek Acorah. On the programme Derek introduced a woman with a cat. The cat had a few problems and Derek set about explaining the cat’s past lives and how this would affect it’s behaviour in the present day. My dog’s got worms, normally I’d take him to the vets and get some wormers, but after watching this it would appear that I’m supposed to take him to a fucking psychic.
Anyway, my question is do you believe in paranormal activity?
April 30th, 2009 at 10:01
Hi Neddy,
thanks for your question. I’ve always been fascinated by the paranormal. My owner and I have spent many nights in haunted houses. If we come across a ghost we run down long corridors, passing the same piece of furniture every few seconds. We would sometimes hide in a suit of armour or a vase. If the ghost caught us we would pretend to be hairdressers and set about giving them a makeover. This would confuse them for a while and give us the opportunity to make our escape.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:44
Hi Jed,
I heard a rumour that Tony Robinson has had sex with a dolphin. Is there any truth in this?
May 20th, 2009 at 12:47
Hi Andy,
I have heard this rumour. Apparently the incident took place at Hastings Sealife Centre. How true it is, I have no idea.
May 21st, 2009 at 09:59
If you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, would they eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare?
May 21st, 2009 at 10:42
I have been running an experiment to test this theory. Unfortunately I don’t have access to infinite typewriters or monkeys. I have managed to get 13 monkeys from a local research lab and my owner is friends with a couple of organ grinders, which has pushed the number up to 15. I got hold of 7 typewriters and a selection of writing pads and biros. 2 weeks in and so far they have not produced the complete works of Shakespeare. They have however reproduced series 4 of My Family and the lyrics to Shania Twain’s ‘That don’t impress me much’.
July 30th, 2009 at 07:38
Hi Jed,
I noticed a car sticker the other day that read ‘Unless you’re a hemorrhoid get off my ass’. It is of course highly unlikely that the car behind this person would ever be driven by a hemorroid capable of not only driving a car but making decisions about road safety. You could also question why the person in question would be okay for a hemorrhoid to be on his ‘ass’. I wish that if people are going to put stickers promoting safety on our roads that they would make them in some way believable.
July 30th, 2009 at 08:43
It’s an interesting point, Bernard. I’ve taken the humourous sticker concept a little bit further. When I’m out with my partner, I wear a tshirt that says ‘My other girlfriend has big tits’.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:57
Dear Jed, I am in need of parenting advice, and I thought you’d be better than Deirdre.
While baby sitting for my young nephews one night I decided to teach them the different colours. Using various objects I taught them Red and Yellow and Green etc.
Anyway a few days later I had an eye test and it turns out I’m colour blind, which means I’ve taught my sisters kids wrong, they think that Blue is Red and Orange is Grey etc. They picked it up really quickly and we were practicing all night to really drive the knowledge home.
My sister keeps ringing me but I’m afraid to answer the phone, what should I do?
August 7th, 2009 at 08:43
That sure is a tricky one, David. I’ve emailed you a copy of my help leaflet ‘What to do if I’ve taught some children different colours, but I’ve since found out I’m colour blind.’ Alternatively you can call my colour blind hotline on 0898 000 6969. calls cost £25.00 per min. Call charges maybe higher from your mobile.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:04
Hi Jed
It really gets my gander up when people go on about immigrants not making any effort to be part of British culture! I have a 15 year old daughter who is pregnant, a son with a drug problem, and my wife and I go out binge drinking at the weekend and invariably end up arguing outside a kebab shop. I don’t think anyone can accuse us of not making a go of it.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:11
Well done, Mr Mahood. God save the Queen!
August 13th, 2009 at 11:08
Dear Jed,
Who do celebrities think they are?! Not content with the vast sums of cash they have already amounted as a result of peddling mediocrity, they feel the need to rake in more money by advertising products they wouldn’t use themselves. I find it hard to believe that Sharon Osbourne shops at Asda, that the Spice girls shop at Tesco and that Alan Hansen wheels his trolley around Morrisons. I do however find it entirely plausible that Kerry Katona shops at Iceland.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:36
I agree, Sam, it really is a disgrace! We’ll have Iggy Pop advertising car insurance next.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:29
Hi Jed,
Why do bus drivers never have any change? The fares £4.50, you hand them a fiver and they look at you like you’ve smeared shit on their nose! It doesn’t happen anywhere else! It’s not bloody rocket science, get some change! You don’t go into a pub, buy a pint, hand over a tenner and get the barmaid rolling her eyes going “Is that the smallest you’ve got? Bloody hell.” No they give you your change and you throw it in the nearest fruit machine. Maybe that’s the answer….put fruit machines on buses.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:25
The answer, much like bus drivers, is simple. They are morons.
September 1st, 2009 at 15:57
Hi Jed,
When people are describing Marmite, they always say that you either love it or hate it. I can take it or leave it.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:37
Hi Jed, loving the poetry corner section, will you consider readers poems if we send them in?
September 7th, 2009 at 11:43
HI jed what colour does a smurf go if you choke it?
September 7th, 2009 at 11:55
Hi David,
I don’t see why not. Any submissions will however be subject to approval by our resident poet, Morgan Freechild
September 7th, 2009 at 12:37
Hi Steve, The Smurfs (Les Schtroumpfs) are a fictional group of small blue creatures who live in Smurf Village somewhere in the woods. Therefore it would be impossible to choke one because they don’t actually exist, you bellend.
September 10th, 2009 at 13:01
Dear Jed:
Consider a pair of siamese twins. If the one on the left shoots and kills someone, is it right to send them to prison?
September 10th, 2009 at 14:19
That’s a difficult one, David. I don’t think an innocent person can be imprisoned for an offence that they did not commit, so although the guilty twin walks free, the law won’t accept the innocent twin going to jail.
More importantly if siamese twins went back in time and bummed themselves, would they both be gay?
September 17th, 2009 at 23:12
Hi Jed,
When Meatloaf sang the song ‘I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that’, what was it that he wouldn’t do?
September 18th, 2009 at 08:29
Watch a Richard Curtis film
September 18th, 2009 at 10:11
jed i need to know why does hollywood insist on letting Meryl Streep do movies? Its a eye sore any movie she is in
September 18th, 2009 at 10:17
Streep has received 15 Academy Award nominations and 23 Golden Globe nominations (winning six), more than any other actor in the history of either award show. It’s a fucking mystery, Steve.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:21
is it right that a guy who looks like fred west is the lolly pop man at my local school? should school have strict policys for lolly pop men. also why are they not loved any more?
September 18th, 2009 at 10:29
Unlike yourself I don’t hang around outside schools, so I’m not really up on the lolly pop man debate.
What policies are you suggesting, Steve? Obviously it would be best if they weren’t mass murderers or sex offenders. I’m confident that the local authorities would have carried out the necessary checks to ensure that the lolly pop man at your local school isn’t Fred West
September 21st, 2009 at 08:36
If a 9 year old appeared on the programme Make me 10 years younger, would they cease to exist?
September 28th, 2009 at 16:10
Why doesn’t flammableBen write more?
September 28th, 2009 at 23:10
Hi Gok, the answer is yes.
Hi Ben’s mum, the answer is because he’s a fucking lazy cunt.
September 29th, 2009 at 16:57
My friend had sex with someone who looked identical to his younger sister the other day. He was drunk, but I had warned him by text before the event took place in case he hadn’t realised. Is this a bit weird?
October 2nd, 2009 at 16:04
When you say identical are you exaggerating a little bit? My brother looks a bit like Simon le Bon, but if I had sex with Duran Duran, I probably wouldn’t give it a second thought.
October 14th, 2009 at 20:37
Do you honestly think you’re even remotely funny, you sad little fuck?
October 14th, 2009 at 23:15
I think I’m great! If I could bum myself, I’d never leave the house.
October 28th, 2009 at 09:24
MoRnInG jEd,would it be gay if you swapped bodys with you partner and gave your self a hummer? also if when in your partner body being the host of the body would gettin your body self to bum your subcountious self be classed as gay?
October 28th, 2009 at 10:06
I have no idea what you’re babbling about. I’m going to have to go 50/50 and say yes you are gay.
November 23rd, 2009 at 14:25
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
November 23rd, 2009 at 17:03
I made it 76 percent
December 23rd, 2009 at 15:43
What would happen if the worlds tallest man bummed the worlds shortest man?
December 23rd, 2009 at 16:02
The world’s tallest man is Bao Xishun, who measures 8ft 1″. The world’s shortest man is He Ping Ping, who measures 2ft 4″. Fortunately for Mr Ping Ping, Mr Xishun also holds the record for the smallest penis, at a tiny 7 cm’s. With this in mind I don’t think Mr Ping Ping would be any the wiser if Mr Xishun was to bum him…..although he might be suspicious of being lifted up by a tall man and rubbed into his groin.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:22
Jed,
Is it true, for I have heard it whispered on the western wind, that my hero, saviour and deity, Noel Edmonds, is dead? Apparently his abdomen exploded in a horrific spray of faeces and bile. Is it true?
February 1st, 2010 at 16:53
Fear not RIP. I feel confident that if it were true that Noel had exploded, it would be on the news. Fortunately I have not seen any news describing the sad demise of Mr Edmonds, and am therefore confident that he will continue to grace our screens with his friendly nature(albeit with an underlying hint of menace)for years to come.
February 1st, 2010 at 18:06
What’s this then; http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111609255145?
Just some sad tosser, or a truly enlightened man who has exposed a major cover up for the world to see?
February 1st, 2010 at 18:07
It doesn’t work with the question mark.
February 3rd, 2010 at 17:51
If you had to bum an animal, what animal would it be?
February 4th, 2010 at 09:09
Wow, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! That is a question that I’ve considered on many occasions and I can honestly say it is the ultimate conundrum. It would have to be an animal that was of such a height that it wouldn’t involve getting into an awkward position. Something quite tame so as to avoid possible injury. Something quite sturdy so it wouldn’t fall over. Something quite pretty would also be a bonus. Trying to find something that fits into all those categories is difficult. I did consider a flamingo as they are quite pretty, but they’re not sturdy and there is the possibility of them flying away. Sheep are just farmyard whores. Baboons would be a possible, but they can turn nasty. This is going to take some thinking……..